SCENE ONE: BACK IN THE CABIN, JENNIFER HAS CHANGED INTO THE COSTUME OF A CABIN BOY. SHE IS WEARING BLACK PANTS, A WHITE JACKET WITH GOLD TRIM, WHITE GLOVES AND A PEAKED NAUTICAL CAP. SHE IS ALSO WEARING A FAKE MOUSTACHE. SHE IS ABOUT IT LEAVE WHEN SHE HEARS JACK'S KEY IN THE LOCK SO SHE HIDES IN THE BATHROOM.

SCENE TWO: JACK ENTERS. JENNIFER COMES OUT OF THE BATHROOM AND HEADS STRAIGHT FOR THE DOOR WITH HER HEAD BOWED.

 

JACK: Excuse me, Cabin Boy.

 

JENNIFER IS DISGUISING HER VOICE, AND IS NOT DOING A GOOD JOB OF IT. HER DISGUISE IS NOT THE BEST EITHER.

 

JENNIFER: Oh yes sir.

 

IT APPEARS THAT JACK IS ON TO HER ROUSE. HE DECIDES TO PLAY ALONG.

 

JACK: I could use a little bit of you help.

 

JACK PUTS HIS RIGHT LEG UP ON THE TABLE.

 

JACK: (Mischievously) Pull these tights off for me, would you?

 

THIS MAKES JENNIFER UNCOMFORTABLE.

 

JENNIFER: Oh sir, ah.....

JACK: Have a little problem with that....

 

HE PUTS HIS FINGER UNDER HER CHIN AND LIFTS HER HEAD UP TO FACE HIM.

 

JACK: (Not at all surmised) ....Jennifer.

 

SHE BACKS AWAY.

 

JACK: Well don't walk away. I want to get a good look at you.

JENNIFER: Alright, okay Jack, I know you're wondering why I'm dressed like this.

JACK: Hmmm.

JENNIFER: Well you see I'm going to do this story for the station and it's going to be on....it's going to be on the food service industry and the ups and downs and I figured this would be good because I could do some hands on research.

JACK: On Victor Kiriakis in his state room.

JENNIFER: No, Jack, but....

JACK: Look Jennifer, do I look stupid? Wait a minute, don't answer that.

JENNIFER: Really, I'm going to get some ideas for a story. That's it.

JACK: They're stupid ideas. I mean look at you. You look like Charlie Chaplin in drag. Victor would be able to spot you in a heartbeat.

JENNIFER: Okay, you don't want me to do any investigating on this ship, well then how do you expect me to occupy my time?

JACK: Well....there's a mahjongg tournament tomorrow. Maybe a little target practice.

JENNIFER: Don't tempt me. Look as I see it I have two choices. I can either enjoy the romantic atmosphere or I can do my job.

JACK: (Motioning with his hands) Oh I see one from column A or column B.

JENNIFER: Only I have one choice because for some reason my opportunity for romance seems to be closed.

JACK: Well look how you dress!

JENNIFER: So I guess my only option is to go after a story.

JACK: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. Let me get this straight. You're saying that if the opportunity somehow presents itself for you to find romance, you're going to drop this whole idea of going to see Victor.

JENNIFER: In a heartbeat.

 

JACK LOOKS AT HER FOR A FEW SECONDS THEN BENDS DOWN AND KISSES HER ON THE MOUTH. HE IS DOING THIS TO PREVENT HER FROM WORKING. HER EYES WIDEN. HE THEN PUSHES BACK HER HAT AND KISSES HER AGAIN THIS TIME MORE PASSIONATELY; THIS TIME IT IS NOT TO PREOCCUPY HER, BUT BECAUSE HE WANTS TO KISS HER. THEY BOTH ARE ENJOYING THE KISS AND ARE GETTING CAUGHT UP IN THE ROMANCE AND THE PASSION.

 

SCENE ONE: JUSTIN AND ADRIENNE ARE ON THEIR HONEYMOON IN TAHITI. THERE THEY MEET CARLY MANNING, A DOCTOR WHO TREATS JUSTIN FOR A STING. CARLY TELLS THEM THAT SHE HAS ALWAYS WANTED TO LIVE IN A TOWN LIKE SALEM AND JUSTIN HAS WANTED TO LEAVE FOR AGES. THEY AGREE TO SWAP HOMES FOR A WHILE AND CARLY LEAVES FOR SALEM.

SCENE TWO: JACK'S SWORD IS LYING ON THE TABLE. JACK IS STILL KISSING JENNIFER. THEY KISS SEVERAL TIMES, TENDERLY AND PASSIONATELY. THEY BREAK, AND LOOK INTO EACH OTHER'S EYES: THEIR INTENSE LOVE FOR EACH OTHER IS SEEN IN THEIR EYES. THEY THEN BEGIN TO KISS AGAIN. SHE LEADS HIM TO THE BED. HE REMOVES HER HAT AND HIS CROWN AND LIES HER BACK. HE BENDS OVER HER AND IS ABOUT IT KISS HER AGAIN....

....WHEN HE LOOKS DOWN AT HER AND REALIZES WHAT HE IS DOING; HE STANDS UP QUICKLY.

 

JACK: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh, wait a minute, never mess with the help.

JENNIFER: Jack, come back. Why did you pull away like that? That was a perfectly good kiss, Jack. Why did you do that?

JACK: Sorry, sorry. You wouldn't resect me in the morning, really. You wouldn't.

JENNIFER: Try again!

JACK: I have a thing about kissing ladies with more facial hair than I have.

JENNIFER: That's it. Goodbye Jack.

JACK: Where are you going? Where are you going?

JENNIFER: I'm going where I was going before you so rudely interrupted me.

JACK: You're going to play the spy who came in from the closet with Victor, right.

JENNIFER: Look, I gave you two choices. I said work or romance. You gave me ten seconds of romance, now I'm going to work.

 

JACK IS DESPERATE. HE IS VERY CONCERNED FOR HER SAFETY.

 

JACK: DON'T....don't go.

JENNIFER: What do you mean by don't go?

JACK: I mean you make a lousy cabin boy.

JENNIFER: I'm a reporter. I have a story to write.

JACK: Correction, you're a good reporter and you'll get a good story. But not tonight.

JENNIFER: Give me a reason to stay Jack.

JACK: Look isn't it enough that I'm concerned about you?

JENNIFER: No it isn't.

JACK: (Talking more to himself than her.) She wants romance.

JENNIFER: That was the deal.

JACK: Okay.

JENNIFER: Okay what?

JACK: The lady, or whatever it is you're calling yourself these days, wants romance, that's what she's going to get.

 

JENNIFER IS HAPPY THAT JACK APPEARS TO BE LETTING DOWN HIS DEFENSES, BUT ALSO DUBIOUS THAT THIS IS JUST ANOTHER ONE OF JACK'S SCHEMES.

 

JENNIFER: You're finally going to give in to your feelings about me?

JACK: (Thinking this up as he goes along.) I think romance is like a great piece of music. It starts slowly and it builds, it builds....

JENNIFER: Jack wait, slow and builds sounds like a Deveraux device to me.

JACK: It's not. Trust me. Just don't move, stay where you are.

 

JACK RUNS TO THE PHONE BY THE BED.

 

JENNIFER: Jack who are you calling? Jack?

JACK: Dialing M for ma-gic. Romantic dinner for two, with champagne and candles and it'll be more romantic than you could ever dream of. Just don't move.

JENNIFER: (Hopeful, but still dubious) Look Jack it's not that I don't believe you but I just....

JACK: Caviar, you like caviar. I'll get you caviar.

JENNIFER: Are you really calling room service?

JACK: I think you should change out of what you've got. Slip into something more comfortable. I mean the dinner comes with a waiter.

 

SHE CAUTIOUSLY GOES TO THE BATHROOM, WHILE JACK WAITS ON THE PHONE LOOKING A BIT SCARED.

SCENE THREE: STILL IN THE CABIN, THE DINNER HAS ARRIVED. JACK IS LIGHTING THE CANDLE JUST AS JENNIFER COMES OUT OF THE BATHROOM. HE HAS CHANGED INTO A CASUAL SHIRT WITH LINEN PANTS, AND SHE IS WEARING A RED CHIFFON COCKTAIL DRESS; SHE HAS FORGOTTEN TO REMOVE THE MOUSTACHE. SHE IS RELIEVED THAT JACK KEPT HIS PROMISED, AND THRILLED AT HOW ROMANTICALLY HE SET UP EVERYTHING.

 

JENNIFER: How do I look?

JACK: It's nothing that a little electrolysis couldn't help.

JENNIFER: (Embarrassed) Oh I forgot.

JACK: Don't worry. A little cosmetic surgery right here.

 

JACK RIPS THE MOUSTACHE OFF HER FACE.

 

JENNIFER: OOOOOEEEEEWWWWW!

 

JENNIFER REMOVES THE REMAINING THEATRICAL GLUE FROM HER UPPER LIP.

 

JACK: And everything will be just fine.

JENNIFER: I guess I was in a little bit of a hurry.

JACK: Heheheh. You got everything else right!

 

SHE LOOKS AT THE TABLE.

 

JENNIFER: So did you. This is um....this is so.....

JACK: Romantic?

JENNIFER: Yes, very.

JACK: As promised.

JENNIFER: As promised.

JACK: Please, please.

 

JACK PULLS OUT HER CHAIR FOR HER TO SIT.

 

JENNIFER: Oh.

JACK: There we go.

JENNIFER: Thank you.

JACK: You're welcome.

JENNIFER: Okay.

JACK: Champagne?

JENNIFER: Oh yeah, yeah I would love some.

JACK: Then you shall have some.

 

HE HANDS HER A GLASS BUBBLING OVER WITH CHAMPAGNE.

 

JENNIFER: Thanks. Whoooh!

 

JACK SITS DOWN OPPOSITE HER AND POURS HIMSELF A GLASS.

 

JACK: I wanted to make this as romantic as possible. Is it romantic enough for you?

JENNIFER: Yeah, for the moment.

JACK: Now, how about a toast, ready?

JENNIFER: Jack, can you do it with no jokes?

JACK: Trust me. Here's to caviar, candles and good old fashioned romance.

 

JENNIFER SEEMS MOVED BY JACK'S TOAST, AND SEEMS TO FIND IT *VERY* ROMANTIC*. THEY CLINK THEIR GLASSES TOGETHER ACROSS THE TABLE AND LOOK IN EACH OTHER'S EYES AS THEY SIP SOME CHAMPAGNE.

SCENE FOUR: IT IS SOME TIME LATER AND THEY HAVE FINISHED DINNER. JACK IS OPENING A SECOND BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE. HE APPEARS TO BE A LITTLE BIT DRUNK.

 

JACK: Hahaha. You thought you liked the first bottle, wait till the second.

JENNIFER: Oh Jack, no. I don't want anymore.

 

HE SPILLS A LITTLE CHAMPAGNE ON HER FINGERS SO HE TAKES HER HAND AND KISSES IT.

 

JACK: Oh, oh, oh, oh. Sorry. Hmmm, mmm, yum, yum, yum.

JENNIFER: Thanks Jack.

JACK: Oh sorry, more where than came from.

JENNIFER: Okay, okay, that's good.

JACK: Oooh champagne is so good. It's the nectar of lovers, don't you know.

 

HE TAKES AN OVERFLOWING GLASS AND SIPS IT.

 

JENNIFER: (Laughing) Is that why you drank the whole bottle by yourself?

JACK: Just a moment.

JENNIFER: Wait Jack.

JACK: Just a moment. Come right this way, please. Right this way.

 

HE TAKES HER HAND AND SPINS HER AROUND A COUPLE OF TIMES.

 

JACK: Turn and turn. Keep turning.

 

HE PICKS UP THE TABLE AND LIFTS IT OVER TO THE SIDE OF THE CABIN OUT OF THEIR WAY.

 

JACK: Oh boy, the fun's just starting.

JENNIFER: Jack, be careful. What are you doing?

JACK: Oh yeah, just having some fun.

 

HE PICKS UP HIS GLASS AGAIN AND BEGINS TO DANCE WITH HER AND SING. JENNIFER IS LAUGHING THE ENTIRE TIME. SHE IS ENJOYING THIS IMMENSELY. JACK SEEMS TO BE ENJOYING THE CLOSENESS AS WELL.

 

JACK: Let's dance....in the streets. (Singing) "Where the streets have no name, Where the streets have no name, In the name...."

 

JENNIFER IS LAUGHING HER HEAD OFF.

 

JACK: Ah....what? What are you laughing about?

JENNIFER: I was just....you were so positive that nothing romantic was going to happen on this cruise.

JACK: Yeah!

JENNIFER: And now look at us. There's candlelight and....

JACK: We've got moonlight.

JENNIFER: And we're dancing.

JACK: Dancing! (Jack gets an idea.) You know what we need? We need muzak, muzak.

 

JACK RUNS OVER AND TURNS ON THE INTERSHIP RADIO. A "MUZAK" YET ROMANTIC VERSION OF LET'S CALL THE WHOLE THING OFF IS PLAYING.

 

JACK: MUZAC. There you go. (Romantincally bowing) May I have this dance? Hmmm, love that nectar, mmmm, mmm!

 

JACK PRETENDS TO SIP CHAMPAGNE OVER HER SHOULDER AS THEY DANCE BUT HE IS ACTUALLY TIPPING IT IN THE PLANT AS HE PASSES. JENNIFER NESTLES IN CLOSE TO HIM AS THEY DANCE SLOWLY.

SCENE FIVE: JACK POURS HIMSELF THE LAST OF THE CHAMPAGNE.

 

JACK: Oh, nothing like the last of the last, eh. You look this way.

 

HE SLOWLY TURNS HER FACE TO HIS WHILE HE POURS THE CHAMPAGNE IN THE PLANT AGAIN. HE HAS BEEN PRETENDING TO BE DRUNK, AND TO ROMANCE HER THE ENTIRE TIME; THOUGH, HE SEEMS TO BE ENJOYING THEIR CLOSENESS AND TO BE SWEPT UP IN THE ROMANCE AS MUCH AS JENNIFER.

 

JACK: Ah, just follow my lead.

 

HE PUTS THE GLASS NEXT TO THE PLANT.

 

JACK: Here comes the big move!

JENNIFER: The what?

JACK: The big move.

JENNIFER: Oh.

 

HE PUTS HIS HAND IN THE CENTER OF HER BACK AND LEANS HER RIGHT OVER BACKWARDS UNTIL HER HAIR IS ALMOST TOUCHING THE FLOOR. HE IS LEANING OVER HER AND FOR A SECOND SHE THINKS SHE IS GOING TO FALL, BUT HE SUPPORTS HER AND< BRINGS HER SLOWLY BACK UP TO HER FEET.

 

JACK: I got ya.

 

AS THEY COME BACK UP THEIR LIPS ARE ALMOST TOUCHING AND THEY STAY THAT WAY FOR A FEW SECONDS, NOT KISSING BUT BREATHING EACH OTHER'S AIR.

JACK BEGINS TO TOUCH HER HAIR AND TO LOOK INTO HER EYES, JUST AS HE IS ABOUT TO KISS HER HE CHANGES HIS MIND.

 

JACK: That's enough dancing and enough music.

 

HE RUNS OVER AND TURNS OFF THE RADIO.

 

JACK: Let's play a new game. Let's have another drink. A little champagne never hurt anybody. We could play a game. We'll play....

JENNIFER: What kind of game?

 

JACK IS COMPLETELY FLUSTERED, THOUGH HE MAY HAVE STARTED OFF PRETENDING TO ROMANCE HER HE HAS BEEN CAUGHT UP IN THE ROMANCE. HIS DEFENSES KICK IN SO HE TRIES TO THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE, BECAUSE IF THEY CONTINUE THINGS WOULD BECOME MORE SERIOUS BETWEEN THEM.

 

JACK: Ah.... Truth or Dare. We'll play....

JENNIFER: Alright Jack, you're on. I go first. Do you love me?

 

JACK IS DUMBSTRUCK.

 

JACK: I think we could start with a less personal question.

JENNIFER: Answer the question or take the dare. Which will it be?

 

JACK SWIGS DOWN THE REST OF THE CHAMPAGNE.

 

JENNIFER: I'll ask you again Jack. Do you love me? Truth or Dare.

JACK: Ah....never trust a man in a drunken state. You never know what he might say.

JENNIFER: Jack this game was your idea. Truth or Dare.

 

JACK GETS FIDGETY.

 

JACK: The true way that I feel about you....the true way is I....ah I think I need to lie down for this one. I'm feeling the vapors.

 

JACK THROWS HIMSELF FACE DOWN ON THE BED AND SIGHS. HE PRETENDS TO BE EFFECTED BY THE ALCOHOL TO AVOID ANSWERING HER QUESTION.

 

JACK: Ah....I think this champagne kind of went to my head.

 

JENNIFER CLIMBS ON THE BED NEXT TO HIM.

 

JENNIFER: No Jack, I think this champagne has gone to your heart cause I know what your answer is. So I'll give you mine back. Jack, I love....

 

SUDDENLY JACK GIVES OUT A LOUD SNORING NOISE. JENNIFER GETS UP, ONCE AGAIN FRUSTRATED. SHE STARTS TO CLEAN UP THEIR DINNER. PICKING UP THE CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE NEXT TO THE PLANT, SHE NOTICES THAT THE PLANT IS WET AND SMELLS THE SOIL.

 

JENNIFER: (Angry and hurt.) Alright Jack, give it up because I am on to you!

 

HE TAKES A SNEAK PEEK AT HER.

 

JENNIFER: You poured the champagne in the plant. How could you do that Jack?

 

SHE DRAGS HIM UP TO A SITTING POSITION BUT HE IS STILL PRETENDING TO SNORE. SHE SHAKES HIM.

 

JENNIFER: Oh I see you need a little waking up, eh Jack! How would you like a little waking up?

 

SHE RUNS OVER AND PICKS UP THE ICE BUCKET AND SUDDENLY JACK WAKES UP.

 

JACK: Oh, no, no, no. You're going to be sorry in the morning!

JENNIFER: No I'm going to laugh in the morning after you tricked me like this.

JACK: No, no, no. I know I'm slimey and I'm a snake and I'm low down but I did it for your own good. You stayed out of trouble with Kiriakis tonight didn't you?

JENNIFER: You promised to romance me and what you did was trick me Jack.

 

JACK FEELS BAD ABOUT THE WHOLE THING. HE STILL IS UNABLE TO OPEN UP TO HER.

 

JACK: Oh no, no, no, no. I did romance you. You got plenty of romance.

JENNIFER: Well you can take this Jack.

 

JENNIFER TIPS THE WHOLE BUCKET OF ICE ON HIS CROTCH.

JACK: AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!

 

SHE RUNS OUT THE DOOR, IN THE BACKGROUND HARRY CONNICK, JR. SINGS LET'S CALL THE WHOLE THING OFF.

SCENE SEVEN: IT IS A DAYS< MUSIC MONTAGE WITH VARIOUS OTHER CHARACTERS, JACK SLOWLY STANDS UP, HOLDING HIS CROTCH HE WALKS OVER AND DROPS AN ICE CUBE IN HIS GLASS. HE TIPS IN SOME CHAMPAGNE AND WALKS TO THE DOOR. HE LISTENS FOR HER OUTSIDE, LEANING HIS HEAD NEXT TO THE DOOR, FEELING BAD ABOUT HURTING HER, AND ALSO BECAUSE OF THE LOST OPPORTUNITY. HE ALMOST SEEMS TO SENSE THAT SHE IS THERE. JENNIFER JUST LEANS AGAINST THE DOOR, PRACTICALLY IN TEARS. JACK RAISES THE GLASS, SIGHS AND TAKES A SIP.

You say either and I say eyether,
You say neither and I say neyether,
Either, eyether, neither, neyether,
Let's call the whole thing off.

You say potato, I say potatah,
You say tomato, I say Creole, tomato,
Oh let's call the whole thing off.
Oh if we call the whole thing off then we must part,
And ooooh if we ever part, that would break my heart.

I say erster, you say oyster,
I'm not going to stop eating ersters,
Just because you say oysters,
Let's call the whole thing off.

Oh if we call the whole thing off then we must part,
And oh if we ever part, that would break my heart.