SCENE ONE: IT IS THE NEXT DAY AND JACK AND JENNIFER ARE ALONE IN THE CARRIAGE. JACK IS PACING UP AND DOWN THE CARRIAGE WRAPPED COMPLETELY IN HIS BLANKET.
JENNIFER: Jack I wish you would stop pacing like that.
JACK: Look I am tired and I'm freezing and I'm hungry and euphemistically, I'm ticked off and this is the only thing that'll help.
JENNIFER: Jack, look we're going to find a way to get out of here and we will.
JACK: Yeah, that remains to be seen but in the meantime we're stuck in this stupid c..c..car.
JENNIFER: Alright, look, we all agreed to take turns watching the car, right.
JACK: Yeah, but it has been three days. The authorities should have shown up by now. If they haven't we can't wait around any longer.
MELISSA COMES BACK INSIDE SHIVERING.
MELISSA: Ooooohhhoooohhhh! I just got the same speech from Brian.
JACK: Oh really. Where is America's favorite c..c..c..cop?
MELISSA: He and Fluffy are checking out a trail Jack.JENNIFER: Here Melissa, sit down.
JENNIFER GETS OFF THE SUITCASE SHE WAS PERCHED ON AND MELISSA SITS DOWN.
MELISSA: Oh thanks Jen.
JACK: Yes, have a warm seat.MELISSA: Here, here, he told me to give you this.
SHE HANDS JACK A PIECE OF PAPER.
MELISSA: It's a map of the area. The best he could do anyway. Brian thinks we should break up into groups and try and find a path over the ravine.
JACK STUDIES THE MAP.
JACK: I.... I bow to genius.
MELISSA: Look we'll meet back here before sundown but until then he and I are going to take this area and Frankie and Eve, there going to do that part over there and that leaves this far section for you and Jen, okay.
JACK: I have one question. If I don't like this can I return it later for another color.MELISSA: I'll take that for a yes. Is that okay with you Jen?
THEY TURN AROUND BUT JENNIFER IS NOT THERE.
THEY HEAR HER CALL OUT FROM THE CORNER WHERE THE FOOD IS KEPT.
JENNIFER: Oh no!
MELISSA: What.... what is it?
JENNIFER: You're not going to believe this.
JACK: What.... what happened?
MELISSA: What?JENNIFER: The worse thing...the worse thing that could have happened.
[MATTHEW CAN BE SEEN ABOUT TO LAUGH AS SHE SAYS THIS.]
JACK: Get up, what, what, what?
JENNIFER: I can't believe this. This is a disaster Jack.
MELISSA: What is, did you see something?
JACK: What, did you see someone, Nutty, Sheriff Tater, Gene Raburn.
MELISSA: Gene Raburn?
JACK: He scares me.
MELISSA: Well did you hear something?
JACK: An avalanche. Francoise! Francoise!
JENNIFER: No, no, it's nothing like that. Our food is gone, all of our food!
JACK: NO!JENNIFER: Yes! Every can, every weenie in the place is gone.
JACK: Not the weenies! There were plenty of weenies here yesterday. They didn't just weenie out of here.
MELISSA: They're gone!
JENNIFER: I agree.
JACK: Why.... you're.... you're saying somebody stole it.
JENNIFER: Yes. And I'm voting for you know who.... Eve.JACK: Bundt cake! Let's get her before she eats it all.
JACK AND JENNIFER GO RUSHING TO THE DOOR AND BUMP INTO BRIAN ON HIS WAY IN.
BRIAN: Where's everybody going?
JACK: We're going to get a Bundt Cake.JENNIFER: Where's Eve? Melissa, we'll be back.
THEY BOTH RUSH OUT AND BRIAN ASKS MELISSA WHAT IS WRONG AND SHE TELLS HIM THAT EVE STOLE ALL THEIR FOOD. BRIAN SAYS THAT EVE DIDN'T BUT THAT HE PUT IT AWAY SO THAT HE COULD RATION IT.
SCENE TWO: OUTSIDE JENNIFER AND THEN JACK CATCH UP WITH EVE AND FRANKIE.
JENNIFER: Alright, where is it Eve?
JACK IS PUFFING ALONG BEHIND.
JENNIFER: You know damn well what. Where did you put it?
FRANKIE: Put what? What are you talking about?
JACK: We're talking about the weenies.
JACK: The weenies! It's all we had to eat and you took it. We know you took it.
EVE: Me? You're accusing me of stealing?
JACK: Look at the look on her face. That expression, if you didn't know you'd think it was moral indignation.
EVE: That's exactly what it is Jack.
JENNIFER: Are you denying it?
EVE: Of course I'm denying it. I'd never steal food Jennifer.
FRANKIE: If she says she didn't do it, she didn't do it.
JENNIFER: Oh, how can you be so blind Frankie?
FRANKIE: I'm not.
JACK: Anybody with even half an eye could see that she is the designated Shelley.
EVE AND FRANKIE: WHAT?
JACK: Think back to the Seventies, if we must, if you will. People brought in from all different directions to battle it out together in crisis situations. Airport, Earthquake, Towering Inferno.... but the mother of all battles, The Poseidon Adventure. Wherein, Miss Shelley Winters distinguishes herself as being most likely to be a pain in the butt and least likely to help everybody else to survive. As in Shelley bought it in the last reel, Eve is obviously standing in and doing very nicely too I might add.
EVE: How dare you talk to me like that? I've been starving too Jack!
EVE: Jennifer you're dying to think I stole that food aren't you because then Frankie would hate me forever and you'd just love that wouldn't you?JENNIFER: Oh please Eve.
EVE GOES FOR JENNIFER AND JACK HEADS HER OFF.
JACK: Oh back off Shelley, back off.
EVE: YOU CALL ME SHELLEY ONE MORE TIME!
JACK: You'll what?
EVE: I'LL KILL YOU JACK!
FRANKIE: Eve, Eve!
JACK: Oh that would only leave more food for you wouldn't it?
JACK: Not that you need it!
EVE: What's that supposed to mean?
JACK: Well you've been hitting the old feed bag a lot lately, haven't you?
EVE: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT? (Beat) YOU WIMP STRING BEAN! DO YOU HEAR THAT? NOT ONLY AM I A THIEF BUT I'M A FAT THIEF.
FRANKIE: You're not fat Eve.EVE: Jack thinks I am.
BRIAN AND MELISSA HAVE COME OUTSIDE NOW AND ARE LISTENING TO THE ARGUMENT.
BRIAN: Excuse me.
JACK: No, no, no, I'll call you whatever you want me to call you. I'll call you sweet, slim, beautiful and skinny.
JUST GIVE US BACK OUR WEENIES!
EVE: OH YOU WIMP, I DIDN'T TOUCH THE DAMN FOOD.
JENNIFER: Alright, then who did?
JACK: Who did?
EVE: I don't know who touched the food.... ARGH!
BRIAN: I did. I did, I did.
JENNIFER: You did?
EVE: Meet your new Shelley Winters.
BRIAN: Ah, Ernest Borgnine if you must.
JACK: Wait a minute, wait a minute, you're the policeman. What are you doing taking our only means of nutrition? You're supposed to protect and serve.
BRIAN: I am protecting you. I just thought it's getting kind of crazy here and I thought it's time for some rationing.
JACK: Well that's rational, huh.JENNIFER: No, you're right. You're right.
JENNIFER TURNS AROUND TO TALK TO EVE.
JENNIFER: We.... we really just jumped to the wrong conclusion. And I'm sorry. I really am, I'm sorry.
EVE: No you're not.
EVE: Don't Eve me. She's not sorry anymore than he is. You loved accusing me didn't you? You can't wait for the next thing to go wrong to blame me. You know what, I'm not going to forget this. I'm going to remember this for a long long time.
BRIAN: Alright, please, look. We really don't need this now.
MELISSA: Brian's right Eve. We've got to work together.
BRIAN: Okay, you two have the map.
JACK: (Joking, imitating Chekov from Star Trek) Oh Ciptin, Ciptin, shall we check out our co-ordinates?
BRIAN: Okay we'll just see at 4 o'clock back at the train car. Remember cold soup for dinner so don't be late. Wear your best tux.
JENNIFER: Alright.JACK: Fine, come on. Bye Shelley!
SCENE THREE: JACK AND JENNIFER GO OFF TO LOOK FOR A WAY OUT ACCORDING TO BRIAN'S MAP.
JACK: How did he draw this, with a dirty fingernail? I can't even see where we're going.
JENNIFER: Alright Jack let me see the map.
JACK: No, I'm better are directions.
JENNIFER: Oh yeah, you're a human compass that's why you can never find your car in a parking lot Jack.JACK: Look, people who think deep thoughts have trouble finding their cars.
JENNIFER TRIES TO GRAB THE MAP BUT HE HOLDS IT ABOVE HIS HEAD.
JACK: No! No!.... No!
JENNIFER: I can always find my car.
JACK: Well I rest my case.
JENNIFER: Jack, give me the map.
JACK: No, I will not play lieutenant to your captain.
JENNIFER: Why not?
JACK: Because newspaper journalists are better at reading the printed page than TV reporters, that's why.
JENNIFER: You're a bigot Jack.
JACK: I'm not. I'm just.... I'm just.... I'm just.... ah.... I've just spelunked before.
JACK: Spelunked.... spelunking. That's a.... that's a term for what we're doing.JENNIFER: Well that shows how much you know Jack. Spelunking means exploring caves. Reading a map is called orienteering.
SHE SNATCHES THE PAPER FROM HIS HAND.
JENNIFER: Thank you. Now this is where we are and that....
SHE POINTS WITH HER CHIN.
JENNIFER: .... that is where we're supposed to be.
JENNIFER: What do you mean wrong?
JACK: I mean wrong. Orienteering is wrong. It means you're heading east all the time and we need to head west.
JENNIFER: Who says Jack?
JACK: Look, just let me have it and I'll.... I'll.... show....
JENNIFER: No, no, no.JACK: Give me....
SHE DUCKS AND WEAVES TO KEEP HIM FROM GETTING THE MAP.
JACK: Give me the map.
JACK: Give me the map.
JACK: Give me the map. I want the map.JENNIFER: No, Jack, no.
HE REACHES AROUND FROM BEHIND HER TO GRAB IT AND SHE TRIES TO WRESTLE AWAY FROM HIM. AT THE SAME TIME THEY ARE BOTH TRYING TO KEEP THEIR BLANKETS WRAPPED AROUND THEM.
JACK: GIVE ME THE....
JENNIFER: NO!JACK: GIVE ME THE.... AAAAAARRRRGGGHHHH!
AS THEY FIGHT OVER THE MAP THEY BOTH FALL DOWN IN THE SNOW WITH HER LANDING RIGHT ON TOP OF HIM.
THEIR FACES ARE ALMOST TOUCHING AS THEY LIE THERE.
JACK: (Motioning with this head) So.... ah.... if you don't mind?
JENNIFER SOMEWHAT RELUCTANTLY ROLLS OFF HIM AND HE STANDS UP ALL COVERED IN SNOW.
HE OFFERS HIS HAND TO PULL HER UP.
JACK: Ah.... you know what just happened right now.... with me getting up like that.... it's not that.... well it's just that we have to concentrate on getting out of here.
JENNIFER: Yeah I agree. You're right.
JACK: Good.JENNIFER: So why don't you give me that map.
SHE SNATCHES BACK THE MAP.
JACK: Wait a minute, you.... you don't need to look at the map. We already know we have to go that way.
HE POINTS STRAIGHT AHEAD.
JENNIFER: We're supposed to go that way Jack.
SHE POINTS IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION.
JACK: You're crazy. We're going that way.
JENNIFER: You're crazy, We're going that way.
JACK: Look this is getting us nowhere fast.
JENNIFER: Well, whose fault is that?
JACK: It's your fault.
JENNIFER: No, it's your fault.
JACK: Alright, there's only one way we're going to settle this. You go your way and I'll go my way and then we'll come back later and we'll decide who's right.
JENNIFER: No, no, that's not good enough.
JACK: What do you mean, it's not good enough?
JENNIFER: Because I need an incentive. I want to make a bet.
JACK: A BET!
JENNIFER: Yeah. Like if I win, you have to drive me to work every day and if you win, I'll make you dinner.
JACK: Well.... I've had your cooking. This is supposed to be an incentive, not punishment.
JENNIFER: You can make it whatever you want. I'll mow your lawn. I'll help you find your car in the parking lot.
JENNIFER: I'll clean your house.
JACK: Well let me remind you, I don't live in a house. I've moved into an apartment.
JENNIFER: Well, just make it whatever you want. Just when we get home, I'll do whatever you want.
JACK: Well.... perhaps it should be something a little more reliable.
JACK: Yeah, something that.... something that we can rely on in the here and now in the wilderness. Not.... not when we get home.
JENNIFER: Are you saying that we're not going to make it Jack? Are you saying that we're going to die?
JACK: No, I didn't say that. I didn't say that. I did not say that.JENNIFER: You didn't have to say it.
JENNIFER IS SCARED.
JACK: Look, wait a minute. Let me tell you something. You know I am the cynical type. I really think that, you know, if life was a dog it would come up and it would bite me in the be-hind.
SHE SMILES AT THIS ANALOGY.
JACK: And it has, time and time again. So I know that.... well there's nothing I would like more than to die a.... a fairly young and fairly fresh and fairly good looking corpse. But I go to bed every night and I rest assured in the fact that I'm probably going to.... I'm probably not going to kick the bucket and cash in my chips until I'm 99 and so ugly that I look in a mirror and it cracks. So.... ah.... so cheer up, huh.
JENNIFER: Yeah well it's really easy to be cheery when you're talking about death and dying Jack.
JACK: Right.... good.
JENNIFER: Alright, let's.... let's make our bet okay.
JACK: Alright, okay, what is, what is.... the most valuable thing to you out here in the wilderness?
JACK: Alright, food. This is it. The person who comes in first, gets a.... gets a double dose of weenies. The person who doesn't.... goes without.
JENNIFER: Okay. I'll try not to gloat Jack.
JACK: Well me too.
JENNIFER: But you always gloat.
JACK: Well that's part of my charm isn't it?JENNIFER: What charm?
THEY BOTH ARE ENJOYING THEIR BANTERING, LIKE OLD TIMES.
JACK: You're gonna fight to the end don't you?
JENNIFER: Always.JACK: Right, well you're going to be fighting on an empty stomach, let me warn you. Good luck.
JENNIFER EXTENDS HER HAND TO JACK.
JENNIFER: Good luck.
HE TAKES HER HAND.
JACK: May the best man win.THEY LOOK INTENTLY IN EACH OTHER'S EYES AS THEY SHAKE HANDS.
JACK: Well take care of yourself.JENNIFER: You too, be careful.
THEY CONTINUE TO HOLD EACH OTHER'S HAND FOR A FEW SECONDS. NEITHER WANTS TO LET GO, THEY ARE ENJOYING THE FEEL OF EACH OTHER. THEN SHE STARTS TO WALK IN HER DIRECTION. IT IS OBVIOUS THAT HE IS CONCERNED FOR HER SAFTETY.
JACK: (Remember, it's a bliz.... a bliz.... it's a blizzard out there.
SCENE FOUR: THE WEATHER BEGINS TO GET WORSE AND WORSE WITH SNOW AND SLEET FLYING EVERYWHERE MAKING IT ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO SEE. JACK IS HUDDLED IN HIS BLANKET, FIGHTING HARD TO EVEN WALK.JACK: Wait a minute, I've been here before.
HE LOOKS AROUND.
JACK: Oh no, I've been over there too. Dammit! She knew.... she knew I was going to get lost. She knew it. Damn.... damn.
SCENE FIVE: MEANWHILE JENNIFER IS WANDERING IN ANOTHER DIRECTION AND FINDING IT EVEN HARDER TO GET AROUND.
JENNIFER: Oh god, you went the wrong way! Jack, you said I was going to go the wrong way and I did Jack. Oh dammit. Why do you always have to be right.
BACK WITH JACK, HE IS BEGINNING TO GET WORRIED AND HE STARTS CALLING OUT FOR JENNIFER.
JACK: HELLOOOOOOO! MISS HORTON.... CAN YOU HEAR ME, MISS.... JENNIFER, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU? HELLOOOO!
JENNIFER IS SCARED TOO.
JENNIFER: JACK!.... JACK CAN YOU HEAR ME? (Beat) JACK, IT'S JENNIFER, CAN YOU HEAR ME? (Beat) JACK, COME ON JACK, CALL MY NAME.
SHE SITS DOWN ON A ROCK.
JENNIFER: JACK! CALL MY NAME!