SCENE ONE: IT IS THE NEXT MORNING AND JACK IS ASLEEP. JENNIFER HOWEVER IS UP AND DRESSED. SHE THROWS A BEACH BALL AT HIM.
JACK: Whoa, whoa. What was that?
JENNIFER: Good morning.
JACK: Good morning.
JACK IS STILL SLEEPY BUT HE DOES NOTICE THAT SHE IS WEARING A BIKINI.
SHE SPINS AROUND IN FRONT OF HIM.
JENNIFER: What do you think?
JACK: Ah...think.... let me.... before I think I need to have a drink to.... think.
HE STUMBLES OUT OF BED AND REACHES OUT FOR A GLASS OF WATER.
JENNIFER: What, what am I going to have to do? Am I going to have to beg you for a compliment Jack?
JACK: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm just waking up here. Um.... (He shivers and shakes, trying very hard to open his eyes).... I'm sorry, a little fuzzy. Excuse me. (Beat) My, what a lovely and abbreviated outfit!
JENNIFER: Thank you. That's a little better.
JACK: May I ask why we're wearing such an abbreviated outfit this morning?
JENNIFER: Well because yesterday we did what I wanted to do and it didn't turn out so great.
JACK: So this is a reward?
JENNIFER: Yes. Your reward is that we're going to do exactly what you wanted to do in the first place.
SHE THROWS THE BEACH BALL AT HIS FACE.
JENNIFER: Think fast Jack. We're going to the beach.JACK: Oh good.... (The ball hits him in the face again).... (Sarcastically) goodie.
SCENE TWO: LATER THAT DAY THEY ARE DOWN HAVING LUNCH AT A BEACHSIDE RESTAURANT, IN VENICE BEACH. THEY HAVE A TABLE OUTSIDE AND THEY'RE WATCHING ALL THE "LA" TYPE PEOPLE WALK BY.
JACK: This is the most outrageous collection of people I've ever....
JACK PAUSES BECAUSE HE HAS SEEN SOMETHING EVEN MORE SHOCKING.
JACK: Oh my god!
JACK: Don't turn round. Did you see that?
JENNIFER: See what?
JACK: Did you see.... don't turn round. Did you see, the girls? The girls in the wet t-shirts. Did you see what they were doing?
JENNIFER: WHAT JACK?
JACK: No, don't.... look.
JENNIFER: Well if they're walking around in wet t-shirts they obviously want people to look at them Jack.
JACK: No, no, no, they want the tourists to look at them.
JENNIFER: What are we?
JACK: We just don't want to advertise.
JENNIFER: Well I think that this whole scene is very colorful.
JACK: The scene?JENNIFER: Huh, uh.
JACK: Well how very hip of you, how very mod, how.... how very Californian, I mean, if you will.
JENNIFER: Are you finished?
JACK: I wish I was. I mean look at this.
HE POKES HIS FORK INTO HIS LUNCH WHICH LOOKS LIKE A BIG PILE OF SPROUTS.
JACK: I mean there are sprouts here that I've never seen before. Sprouts from every country, in every language. I mean I never want to see sprouts again. What is this food?
JENNIFER: Alright, so you're ready to go to the beach now?
JACK: We're at the beach. It's what we've been doing for the last ninety minutes.
JENNIFER: What do you mean Jack? We've been eating salad and watching all the....
JACK: All the.... yes all the.... you don't really expect us to go out there do you?
JENNIFER: Jack you're the one who suggested it. All I've heard for days is fun and sun and surf in the big blue Pacific. Right, that's what you've been saying.
JACK: Blue Pacific, yes. But I mean what everyone is doing here is they're walking and they're mingling and they're.... they're.... they're enjoying each other together.
JACK: So that's the easiest way for them to rip us off.
JENNIFER: Oh come on Jack. Would you just relax? I mean we must be the only two people from horizon to horizon who aren't having a good time. Now come on.
JACK: Where.... where are we going?
JENNIFER: I am going to teach you to let loose....
SHE PUTS DOWN THE MONEY FOR LUNCH.
JACK: A big tip.
JENNIFER: .... if it's the last thing I do.
JACK: I don't like the sound of that.
JENNIFER: Well good, then I'm on the right track. Come on.
JACK: Wait a minute, I....
JENNIFER: Come on Jack, leave your sprouts. Let's go.
SHE LITERALLY DRAGS HIM AWAY FROM THE TABLE.
JACK: That's a big tip you left there.
SCENE THREE: THEY ARE WANDERING ALONG THE PROMENADE AT VENICE BEACH AND THEN ALONG THE SHOPFRONT. JENNIFER IS VIDEOING THE WHOLE THING.
JACK: I just want to say.... for the record, Grandma and Grandpa, that everything's much scarier up close and personal.
JENNIFER: Oh come on Jack, can't you at least try to get into the spirit of this place?
JACK: Very sorry. I didn't bring along my roller blades and orange fright wig.
JENNIFER: Hey Jack, look at this.
JACK: Look at what, at what?
JENNIFER HAS FOUND A PSYCHIC SHOP.
JENNIFER: Look at this. I was just talking about getting into the spirit. This must mean something. It must be a sign.
JACK: I'm betting, or something.
JENNIFER: Come on, let's go in.
JACK: I beg your pardon. I've already had one curse laid on me this week. That's enough.
JENNIFER: Look Jack, they can only tell you good things, alright. Come on, it'll be fun. If it's not I'll make it up to you.
JENNIFER: It's our honeymoon Jack. Use your imagination.
JACK PRETENDS TO THINK HARD.
JACK: Aaaaalright, you talked me into it.
HE OPENS THE DOOR AND THEY GO INSIDE.JUST AS THE DOOR CLOSES, THE COWBOY FROM UNIVERSAL WALKS UP AND SITS DOWN OUTSIDE. HE IS OBVIOUSLY FOLLOWING THEM.
SCENE FOUR: INSIDE THE PSYCHIC HAS LOUD MUSIC PLAYING AND IT TAKES A WHILE FOR HER TO HEAR THEM. WHEN JENNIFER CALLS OUT, SHE TURNS OFF THE MUSIC AND PUTS IN A SPIRITUAL TYPE TAPE. ON THE WALLS ARE BOARDS OBVIOUSLY SHOWING GAMBLING ODDS AND SHE REVERSES THEM ALL TO SHOW SPIRITUAL PAINTINGS. SHE PUTS ON A FLOWING ROBE AND TIES A GOLD TURBIN AROUND HER HEAD. SHE THEN OPENS THE DOOR. THE PSYCHIC'S NAME IS DESIRÉE
DESIRÉE: Please all you seekers of knowledge please come in. Make your open minded selves to home.
JACK: Fat chance of that happening.
SHE PUSHES JACK IN THE BACK FOR THAT COMMENT.
DESIRÉE: Welcome, welcome little yees of faith. I am Desirée (She pronounces it "Desire.:")
JACK: I thought it said DesirĜe on the door Desire! And I'll let you be the judge of that. Now what can I do for you honey, huh? Read your bumps.
SHE FEELS JENNIFER'S HEAD.
JENNIFER: Well we came here because we wanted to get our fortunes told.
DESIRÉE: Oh yes, of course you do.
JACK: She knew that you see.
DESIRÉE: Yes come along children, come along.
JENNIFER SITS DOWN.
DESIRÉE: Let's see. (This is the words the alien says in the SciFi classic The Day the Earth Stood Still) Klutoo, balutoo, niktoo, voilá.
SHE PULLS A SCARF OFF THE TABLE TO REVEAL HER CRYSTAL BALL. JENNIFER IS AMAZED.
JENNIFER: Oh my gosh!
DESIRÉE: Impressive ain't it?
JENNIFER: Is that a real crystal ball?
DESIRÉE: It sure looks real don't it?
JACK: I tell you what. Why don't you just give us one reading on the house, I mean just to get the crystal ball rolling so to speak?
DESIRÉE: Oh absolutely. My pleasure, my pleasure.
SHE SHUTS HER EYES AND BEGINS TO CHANT.
DESIRÉE: I predict that you will sit the hell down.
SHE PUSHES JACK ONTO THE CHAIR.
DESIRÉE: So much for freebies.
JACK: Ah, what is that over there? You're not going to tape this are you?
DESIRÉE: Huh, uh. And all for the incredibly low price of $29.95.
JACK: Oh well why don't you give it a nice rounded figure.... $30?DESIRÉE: Sold.
JACK: Now wait a minute. We didn't.... we didn't....
DESIRÉE: Now, see, see, there's all kinds of things that I'm going to say to you today that ain't goin' to make a whole lot of sense, okay.
JACK: I'll bet.
DESIRÉE: But later when you play back that tape, you will be.... Amaaazed.... at what is revealed. Do you hear me, amazed.
JENNIFER IS GIGGLING BUT JACK IS VERY WARY OF THE WHOLE DEAL.
JACK: Amaaazed! (Beat) You see, I was telling you, she's probably.... she's just that kind of girl that....
DESIRÉE KICKS HIM UNDER THE TABLE.
JACK: OUCH, OUCH! What was that? What the hell was that?
DESIRÉE: Sorry, sorry, playful spirits.
SHE LIFTS THE TABLECLOTH AND TALKS TO SOMETHING IMAGINARY UNDER THE TABLE.
DESIRÉE: Hey guys, cut it out now. Pay him no mind. Now scat...SCAT! (Beat) They tend to get a little bit violent over overt criticism. Okay now, shall we begin.
JACK SHAKES HIS HEAD BUT JENNIFER NODS.
JENNIFER: Yes. JACK: (Whispering) No.
THEY BEGIN ANYWAY WITH DESIRÉE WAVING HER HANDS OVER THE CRYSTAL BALL.
DESIRÉE: Hear ye, hear ye, the spirits are about to speak.
JACK WHISPERS TO JENNIFER.
JACK: Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat.
JENNIFER HITS HIS HAND.
DESIRÉE: Sssshhh, quiet. I am about to say the sooth.
JACK: The who?
DESIRÉE: Mystic crystal, hear my wish, give up a little of that psychic dish. Since the good lord's in heaven and that is that, all's right with the world. Let's have a little chat.
JACK THINKS THE WHOLE THING IS RIDICULOUS BUT JENNIFER IS QUITE INTRIGUED.
DESIRÉE: Hey, you're sexy, you're cute. You want to know the future. What'll constitute your future? Is the future going to suit you? So we at chowa, don't ya chowa, gotta fight the power, gotta fight the power, gotta fight the power if you want to be showered with riches and the fishes and the ....
SHE STARTS TO GET HER RHYTHM GOING AND BEGINS TO CHANT IN RHYME. IT ACTUALLY IS THAT OLDIES NAME GAME SONG.
JACK: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait...wait a minute. Are you telling her fortune here or are you doing an advertisement for RC Hammer?
DESIRÉE: RC Hammer? Daddy where are you from, huh, the Mid-west?
JENNIFER: It's MC Hammer.
DESIRÉE BEGINS TO CHANT AGAIN.
JACK: Oh I'm sorry. It's bad tofu, right.
JACK: You should have tried the....
DESIRÉE: Stifle it would you, huh! Something's trying to break through and here you are blocking my vibes.
JENNIFER: Okay, what is it? What's trying to break through?
DESIRÉE: See what I'm talking about. See I can't even get a clear line here.JACK: Yeah I know. It happens everytime I try to change phone companies. It's the fiber optics, you understand.
SCENE FIVE: JACK AND JENNIFER ARE WITH FAKE PSYCICBY THE NAME OF DESIRÉE. DESIRÉE IS TRYING TO GET A MESSAGE FROM THE SPIRIT WORLD. SUDDENLY DESIRÉE GETS A MESSAGE FROM BEYOND.
DESIRÉE: Oh it's ringing, it's ringing. Yes. Yes it is. Yeeeeesssss. Future shadows yet to be, send a clue, I do decree. Oh dark adventure, joy and rath. In a very few days.... a very weird creature's going to cross your path.
JENNIFER: A creature? What kind of creature?
DESIRÉE: Very good, very good question. Spawn of evil or white as snow. Is it angel or devil, oh what do I know.
DESIRÉE: Blame him. He's not giving out good vibes.
JACK: Oh that's right. Ever since Daddy Took the T-bird Away.
JENNIFER: Wait a minute, what else. Can you....
DESIRÉE: I hear it! I hear it. Can you hear it? Can you hear it?
JENNIFER: Yeah, I can hear it.... I think.
DESIRÉE: YES! It's bells! Bells are ringing. Bells are in your future. Beelllssss!
JENNIFER: Well, what kind of bells?
DESIRÉE: Well how many kinds of bells are there?
JENNIFER: Well I don't know, there's doorbells and there's sleighbells and there's....
DESIRÉE: Right honey, and there's schnitzel with noodles. How many times you seen that Mary Poppins movie anyway? You know as far as I'm concerned, a bell is a bell and ask not for who the bell tolls.
DESIRÉE: You know I'm going to have to put a curse on you, aren't I?
JACK: Too late! (Beat) I think we're finished now.
JACK STANDS UP.
DESIRÉE: Finished? No, nobody's going anywhere. Tea.
JENNIFER: What, tea?
DESIRÉE: Huh, uh.
SHE POURS A CUP OF TEA.
DESIRÉE: Nobody leaves until I read your leaves.
SHE TIPS OUT THE WATER AND LOOKS IN THE CUP.
DESIRÉE: Uh, oh! Uh, oh!
JENNIFER: What do you mean uh, oh? Is it bad?
JACK: Who cares, as long as it isn't another rhyme.
DESIRÉE: Fate and danger, anger, strife. A stranger drifts into her life.... to change her.
JACK: Wait, what is this stranger? What is that part? Go over that again.
JENNIFER: Is the stranger a man or a woman?
DESIRÉE: Oooh, man. Huh, huh, definitely male.
JACK: Well what male? Who's the male? Who's the....
DESIRÉE: Oooh, you better believe it. You're going to be a very different person once that man is through with you.
JACK: What do you mean through? What do you mean through with....
JENNIFER: Wait a minute Jack. Ssssh! Desirée what do I look for? I mean how do I know it's the stranger when I see him?
DESIRÉE: How will you know? How will you know?
JENNIFER: Huh, uh.
DESIRÉE: Trust in your feelings. That is how you will know.
JACK: Know this, we're getting out of here. Come on, we're leaving right now. We are leaving.
JENNIFER: No Jack, no.
DESIRÉE: No, not before you pay me, you ain't.
JACK: Well just bill us.
DESIRÉE: Bill my behind. I don't know your name, I don't know where you live.
JACK: Well talk to your friends underneath the table. They seem to know everything. Come on. We are going, come on.
JENNIFER: Oh Jack!
JACK WALKS OUT AND LEAVES JENNIFER IN THERE WITH DESIRÉE.
JENNIFER: Desirée, I'm sorry.
DESIRÉE: You already married him honey. It's too late for that.
JENNIFER: Yeah, I know. So what do I owe you?
DESIRÉE: No, no, please, please put your money away.
JENNIFER: Oh you mean....
DESIRÉE: That's right. Credit cards and checks only. Handling money corrupts my powers.
JENNIFER: I see. Alright, let me just write you a check here.
DESIRÉE: Oh and by the by, just to make it easier for me when I go to the bank, I would appreciate it if you did not make it out to Desire. Um, that's just my stage name.
JENNIFER: Oh okay, what's your given name.
DESIRÉE: Ah, cash!
DESIRÉE: Huh, huh, cash.
JENNIFER WRITES THE CHECK AND THEN LEAVES. JACK IS STILL UPSET AS THEY COME OUT THE DOOR.
JACK: The woman is insane. I mean she's an absolute complete and utter loon.
JENNIFER: Yeah, yeah I guess she is.
JACK: What do you mean, you guess she is? Creatures crossing your path, bells ringing, some total tall dark stranger's going to cross your path and change your life. Please!
JENNIFER: Come on Jack, she didn't say anything about a tall dark stranger.
JACK: Look they're always tall and dark. They always are, right.
JENNIFER: You're jealous!
JENNIFER: You heard me.
JACK: What, you think I'm jealous. You think I'm jealous of the.... of some stranger, a fictional stranger. The figment of the imagination of some crazy woman who can't even pronounce her own name?
JENNIFER: Yes I think you're jealous.
JACK: Well you're wrong. You're absolutely wrong. You're absolutely and completely hope....
SHE GRABS HIS FACE AND KISSES HIM.
JACK: What was that for?
JENNIFER: Just because.
JACK: Because what?
JENNIFER: Because you're very cute when you're jealous Jack.
SHE WALKS AWAY.
JACK: I'M NOT JEALOUS.I'm not.... jealous.
HE WALKS OFF AFTER HER.
SCENE SIX: SHORTLY AFTER JACK AND JENNIFER HAVE GONE, THE COWBOY THAT HAS BEEN FOLLOWING THEM GOES IN TO SEE DESIRÉE. HE IS OBVIOUSLY A FRIEND OF HERS. HE HAS A GOOD LOOK AT THE CHECK THAT JENNIFER LEFT. HE NOW KNOWS WHERE THEY ARE FROM AND WHAT BANK THEY USE.