oldEpisode Three-hundred-twenty: Jennifer Invites
Howard to Dinner. Jennifer Wants Jack to Hire
Howard. Meanwhile, It Is Becoming More Obvious
That Howard and the Cowboy Know Each Other.

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[Air date late July, 1991]

SCENE ONE: AT THE BAR IS THE COWBOY THAT WAS FOLLOWING THEM IN HOLLYWOOD. HIS NAME IS HAWK AND HE IS MADE FRIENDS WITH MOLLY, THE GIRL THAT HELPED RESCUE EVERYBODY FROM THE TRAIN WRECK. HE QUIETLY WATCHES JACK AND JENNIFER WALK IN. SHE IS SWINGING THE KEY CHAIN IN HER HAND. DAVE SHOWS THEM TO A TABLE AND THEY SIT DOWN. IT IS OBVIOUS JACK IS NOT HAPPY.

 

JACK: Do me a favor would you sweetheart?

JENNIFER: What's that?

JACK: PUT THAT AWAY! Dead roses, voodoo key chains, who knows what the guy going to be slipping you next.

JENNIFER: Well whatever it is I'm sure I'll love it.

JACK: I'm sure you will! You're just going to encourage him, aren't you?

JENNIFER: Come on Jack, he is a very sweet old man and it's a key chain. I can't believe you are making such a big issue out of this.

SCENE TWO: A LITTLE LATER, JENNIFER AND JACK ARE WAITING FOR THEIR DINNER. ALL THE WHILE, THE COWBOY, HAWK IS WATCHING THIS WITH GREAT INTEREST AND PLEASURE. JENNIFER CONTINUES TO SWING IT AS DINNER ARRIVES AND JACK HAS REALLY HAD ENOUGH. HE GRABS IT FROM HER.

 

JACK: STOP IT!

JENNIFER: I can't believe that that really actually bothers you Jack.

JACK: It's the jingling alright.... and the crass commercial exploitation of a Native American Indian symbol.

JENNIFER: I only have my house keys on it. I still have my car keys on the keychain you gave me.

JACK: Well I'm honored. I'm touched, really.

JENNIFER: Jack this is a very sweet gift from a very sweet man.

JACK: Okay that brings up another point. I just want to....

JENNIFER: Really, oh goodie.

JACK: Oh.... goodie. What's that supposed to mean?

JENNIFER: Nothing. It's just that you've been so entertaining since you started this whole jealousy kick.

JACK: Wait, I am not.... I am not....

JENNIFER: Jealous. I know.

JACK: That's what I was going to say. This whole jealousy thing. You're.... you're making up this whole thing about this Howard guy just to get me jealous. That's the whole point. That's what you're doing.

JENNIFER: You think that you made Howard up?

JACK: I most certainly do. (Beat) No, of course you didn't.

JENNIFER: I guess I'm just going to have to prove it to you then.

JACK: And how do you plan to do that?

JENNIFER: I'm going to find Howard and I'm going to invite him to dinner, tonight.

JACK: Tonight, huh?

JENNIFER: Huh, huh.

JACK: That's good. I'm available. I'm free. I think it's a great opportunity to meet Howard. Not that I don't trust you, you understand, it's just that....

JENNIFER: Yes?

JACK: Well.... a lot of strange things have been going on here lately.

 

JENNIFER MAKES A SPOOKY NOISE AND SPEAKS IN A GHOSTLY VOICE.

 

JENNIFER: Oh hear ye, hear ye, the spirits are about to speak.

JACK: Exactly! Exactly, that's my point. And I think it's only fitting that I should get the chance to meet and cross examine any of these strange men that keep crossing your path.

JENNIFER: That is fine with me. That is fine. I will go talk to Howard right now.

JACK: Point of order.

JENNIFER: What?

JACK: How do you plan to find Howard now?

JENNIFER: Don't worry about that. I have my ways. You just take care of dinner alright and I will bring the mystery stranger tonight.

JACK: Wait a minute.

JENNIFER: Well you just take care of the hors d'oeuvres.

JACK: The hors....

 

SHE WALKS OUT AND LEAVES JACK ALONE. WHEN MOLLY COMES OVER, JACK CALLS HER.

 

JACK: Excuse me, this is a business lunch. Please put it on the tab of WATB.

MOLLY: WATB? Certainly Mr. Deveraux.

JACK: Thank you.

 

JACK WALKS OUT STRAIGHT PAST HAWK WHO IS SMILING.

SCENE THREE: JENNIFER IS IN THE ALLEY AND FINDS HOWARD. SHE ASKS HIM TO DINNER AGAIN AND HE IS RELUCTANT BUT AGREES IN THE END. HE ACTS VERY HUMBLE AND SHE EASILY FALLS FOR HIS LINES. SHE EVEN TELLS HOWARD THAT JACK IS JEALOUS OF HIM.

SCENE FOUR: SOME TIME LATER, JENNIFER ARRIVES HOME TO FIND JACK ASLEEP ON THE SOFA WITH A NEWSPAPER OVER HIM.

 

JENNIFER: Hello! Jack....

 

SHE THROWS THE NEWSPAPER OFF HIS FACE.

 

JENNIFER: What are you doing Jack? I don't smell anything cooking.

JACK: Ah, there's nothing cooking because nothing's happening. He was all made up, right?

JENNIFER: Well I've got a surprise for you. Mr. Made-up is going to be here in half an hour Jack.

JACK: Oh you're not serious.

JENNIFER: No I am serious and how come you're not cooking and look at this mess. How did this get into a mess so fast? JACK: Oh come on, really, am I really going to get to meet Mr. Keychain?

JENNIFER: Yes, so you better start cleaning and.... I gotta start cooking. What am I going to cook? Is there chicken in the refrigerator?

JACK: Chicken? Wait, Jennifer what is....

JENNIFER: He's going to be here in half an hour.

JACK: So he'll be happy just to get in off the street for half an hour or two. We'll give him that. It's old. Something out of a can. It'll make him feel good. Get a grip!

JENNIFER: I am very excited for him to come here tonight Jack.

JACK: I can see that. I'm happy too, see?

 

JACK LOOKS DOWN AT HIS PANTS.

 

JENNIFER: You will see once and for all and when you finally do, maybe you'll stop being so jealous. Now clean up.

JACK: Look there's nothing to be jealous about. It's just....

JENNIFER: Clean up Jack.

JACK: .... a toothless grinning old man who gets you all excited when you.... when he says he wants to come have dinner with you.

 

JACK PICKS UP THE KEYCHAIN AND FROWNS.

 

JACK: It's nothing at all.

SCENE FIVE: DOWN IN THE ALLEY, HOWARD IS CLEANING SPOTS OFF HIS "BEST" SHIRT. THE CAMERA CLOSES IN ON THE MONOGRAM WHICH HAS THE INITIALS, "H.A.H." THOSE EXACT SAME INITIALS ARE ON THE SILVER BUCKLE THAT HAWK THE COWBOY WEARS.

SCENE SIX: AT THE PENTHOUSE, JENNIFER HAS CHANGED INTO A NICE RED DRESS AND SHE FINISHING OFF SETTING THE TABLE. JACK COMES UP BEHIND HER.

 

JENNIFER: Oooh! What do you think?

 

HE GIVES A SILENT FAIRY CLAP.

 

JACK: Verrry nice. Verrry nice.

 

THEY BOTH SMILE.

 

JACK: One question.

JENNIFER: What?

JACK: Where's the other plates?

JENNIFER: What are you talking about?

JACK: The other plates. Come on, I know how you think. Today it's one little homeless man, tomorrow it will be two and the next day three. You're going to go out and you're going to rummage all through the town and you're going to start bringing home and talking to and feeding all the homeless of Salem, aren't you?

JENNIFER: Well you know Jack, I wish that I could.

JACK: I know you do.

JENNIFER: I just can't walk by and pretend not to see these people anymore. I mean they're hungry and they're lonely and we should do something about it since we can.

JACK: Get 'em a TV and a TV dinner, come on.

JENNIFER: Come on Jack, it's not funny. We are responsible and we're lucky for that. I mean to share our time and concern and our home for a little while if it comes to that.

JACK: Okay, so we're big brother and big sister. We have to look out for our fellow man, is that what you have to do?

JENNIFER: Exactly, and I'm serious.

JACK: I know you are. And I only hope that in forty or fifty years, your Mother Teresa generosity will rub off on me, subliminally of course.

JENNIFER: Of course.

JACK: Of course, you realize that this change of character is unconscious on my part? You understand that?

JENNIFER: Absolutely. I wouldn't have it any other way.

JACK: Good. So.... ah.... if you really understand that, why are still smiling?

JENNIFER: Because I'm just glad that we're here and that all the danger and adventure and upset is all over and done with Jack. We're married now, it's.... it's just you and me.

JACK: And Howard makes three.

 

SHE WRAPS HER ARMS AROUND JACK.

 

JENNIFER: There's no more Lawrence, there's no more Eve. Now we can concentrate on the future.

 

JACK IS NOT SO SURE ABOUT THIS.

SCENE SEVEN: JENNIFER HAS PUT A TRAY OF HORS D'OEUVRES ON THE TABLE AND JACK REACHES FOR ONE. SHE SLAPS HIS HAND.

 

JENNIFER: Jack now stop it alright.

JACK: I'm hungry.

JENNIFER: They're for our guest.

JACK: Well the hell is Herman anyway?

JENNIFER: His name is Howard.

JACK: Well whatever the hell his name is, he's late.

JENNIFER: Alright, well don't worry about. He'll be here. In the meantime why don't you go put on a tie.

JACK: Put on a tie? You invite an imaginary bum here, I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll put on an imaginary tie. JENNIFER: Howard is not imaginary and he is not a bum.

JACK: Okay, let's be politically correct. A street person. Now when this imaginary street person gets here, you're going to count the silver ware and when he leaves you're going to count it twice. You understand that?

JENNIFER: That's not funny Jack.

JACK: It's not meant to be.

JENNIFER: You are impossible....

 

THE DOORBELL RINGS.

 

JACK: I'll get it, I'll get it.

JENNIFER: You better be nice.

JACK: I'll be on my best behavior.

JENNIFER: Yeah, well that's what I'm worried about.

 

JACK OPENS THE DOOR AND HOWARD IS THERE HOLDING A BROWN PAPER BAG.

 

HOWARD: Good evening.

JACK: Homer.

HOWARD: Howard.

JACK: Oh Howard. Oh you are old.... I mean cold. It must be cold out there. You're freezing, please come in.

HOWARD: Thank you.

JACK: Please.

JENNIFER: Hi Howard. How are you?

HOWARD: Jennifer, oh I brought something for you.

 

JACK HURRIES OVER TO SEE WHAT THE NEXT GIFT IS.

 

JENNIFER: Oh.

HOWARD: A coffee cake.... well half a one. They sell them at the day old bakery.

 

HE HANDS TO JENNIFER BUT JACK IS A BIT REPULSED.

 

JACK: Oh really you shouldn't.... you shouldn't have.

JENNIFER: Thank you Howard.

HOWARD: Well I know how busy you both are. You shouldn't have to rush in the mornings. After all you're still on your honeymoon.

JACK: Well yes we like to model ourselves after Jack Gleason and Audrey Meadows. That way the honeymoon can.... can go on forever. (Beat) Right Honey?

JENNIFER: Huh, huh.

 

JENNIFER SHOWS HOWARD AROUND THE PENTHOUSE AND JACK FOLLOWS BEHIND.

 

JENNIFER: So this is it. This is our place.

HOWARD: Ah it's very impressive.

JACK: It's nothing really. Very cheap, bargain basement stuff. I wouldn't give it a second thought if I was you.

JENNIFER: Jack, would you....

HOWARD: Just look at all this room. Oh and a fireplace.

 

HE STARTS TO WALK TOWARDS IT BUT TRIPS ON A RUG. JACK RUSHES OVER.

 

JACK: Oh, Howard are you alright?

HOWARD: Oh I'm fine.

JENNIFER: Are you sure Howard?

HOWARD: Yes thank you. I wish I could say this sort of thing didn't happens to me but I'm afraid I'm what they call a klutz.

JENNIFER: No, you're not, not at all. You must have just slipped on something that's all.

JACK: No you didn't.

JENNIFER: What do you mean?

 

JACK TURNS TO JENNIFER AND WHISPERS.

 

JACK: I mean ah.... I know he didn't. I mean that's just a rug there and he didn't slip and I'm willing to swear to it if necessary.

 

JENNIFER IS MAD WITH JACK.

 

JENNIFER: Howard would you like something to drink?

HOWARD: Well yes thank you. I'll have whatever you're having.

JENNIFER: Okay if you'll just excuse us. Will you help me please?

 

JACK HAS HIS ARMS FOLDED AND IS ACTING STUBBORN.

 

JACK: What's the matter? You forgot how to pour?

 

SHE PINCHES HIM AND PUSHES HIM OVER TO THE GLASSES.

 

JACK: OUCH!

JENNIFER: What was that all about?

JACK: What was what all about?

JENNIFER: He didn't slip on the rug and I will swear to it if necessary?

JACK: Do you want him to sue us?

JENNIFER: Howard is not going to sue us.

JACK: Huh, ever heard of Marvin Lemar?

JENNIFER: No I've never heard of Marvin Lemar.

JACK: I'm very embarrassed for you. You work on television and you don't know who Marvin Lemar is. He advertises 24.... 25 hours a day. He's the king of.... of injury suits. He's the sultan of slip, slide and fall. If he gets a private consultation with Marvin Lemar, we're on our way to debtor's prison.

JENNIFER: You're kidding me. People don't go to debtor's prison anymore Jack.

JACK: People don't wear Nehru jackets anymore but they're in closets all over the world and someday, someway they're coming back out.

JENNIFER: You are so paranoid Jack.

JACK: I'm what? I'm what. No I'm not. No I'm not.

JENNIFER: Yes you are!

JACK: No I'm not.

JENNIFER: You are ridiculous.

JACK: Now I know where they came up with that.

JENNIFER: Where who came up with what?

JACK: Jackie Gleason.

 

JACK MAKES A FIST AND SWINGS HIS ARM.

 

JACK: (Imitating Jack Gleason in the Honeymooners) "Bang, zoom to the moon!"

 

JENNIFER GRABS HIS FIST.

 

JENNIFER: You stop it.

JACK: That's it, to the moon!

JENNIFER: Stop it.

JACK: You stop it!

HOWARD: Pardon me, is something wrong?

JENNIFER: No, no, nothing's wrong. Jack and I were just.... we were discussing, ah....

JACK: We were looking for our glasses.

JENNIFER: Yeah.

HOWARD: They're on the bar!

JACK: Oh.... well so they are.

JENNIFER: That's nice going.

ACK: Next time you're on your own.

HOWARD: Perhaps I should go.

JENNIFER: Ah, what?

JACK: Well okay.

HOWARD: Look you are newlyweds. You need time alone. I'll come back another day.

JENNIFER: No Howard. You're staying for dinner.

HOWARD: But I....

JENNIFER: You're our guest and we wouldn't dream of letting you leave, isn't that right Jack?

 

JACK IS SILENT.

 

JENNIFER: I said, isn't that right Jack?

JACK: Oh.... oh yes that's.... that's right.

JENNIFER: Good, well dinner's almost ready. We'll go down and sit down at the table. Give me your coat, come on.

JACK: Watch the rug!

SCENE EIGHT: DURING THE DINNER AND JENNIFER MAKES SURE THAT HOWARD GETS SECOND AND THIRD HELPINGS OF EVERYTHING.

 

HOWARD: Jennifer that was delicious.

JENNIFER: Well here's some more meat for you and some more potatoes.

HOWARD: Oh I've had too much to eat already.

JENNIFER: No, no, no, let me give you a little bit more vegetables, okay.

HOWARD: Oh, I can't remember the last time I ate a meal like this.

 

THERE IS A DEAFENING SILENCE AND JACK DECIDES HE SHOULD MAKE AN EFFORT AT CONVERSATION.

 

JACK: Um, have you lived in Salem long?

HOWARD: Longer than I care to remember.

JACK: Care to be more specific?

JENNIFER: Howard, you'll have to excuse my husband. Sometimes he forgets the difference between news conferences and dinner conversations.

HOWARD: It's only natural. Please feel free to ask me anything you want to know.

JACK: If you....

JENNIFER: Well.... ah, do you have a family?

HOWARD: Well not worth mentioning. That's why I'm.... why I'm in this position, living on the streets I mean. Maybe if I had someone.... I cared about, someone close to me.... oh listen I don't want to bore you with my troubles.

JACK: You're not boring us.

 

JACK IS VERY INTERESTED IN FINDING OUT MORE.

 

JENNIFER: No, of course not. We're sorry for your situation because you deserve better Howard.

HOWARD: Look I'm not as bad off as all that. I met you didn't I? That proves I have some luck left.

 

JENNIFER: Well that's a very sweet thing to say.

 

JACK IS LISTENING INTENTLY TO EVERYTHING HOWARD SAYS. HE IS NOT AS GULLIBLE AS JENNIFER.

 

HOWARD: I may not be close to my own family but every once in a while you meet someone who's kind, someone generous and that keeps you going.

JACK: Still, it can't be easy.

HOWARD: Life never is. But we all have our good days and this has to have been the very best day I've had in a long, long, long time. Thank you Jennifer. (Beat) And Jack, you've made me feel very welcome and if I had grandchildren, I'd want them to be exactly like you.

 

JENNIFER SMILES BUT JACK IS STILL RESERVED ABOUT THE WHOLE THING.

 

HOWARD: Now I really must be going.

JENNIFER: No, no, don't go. I haven't given you any coffee. Or maybe a glass of brandy, maybe?

HOWARD: No, no thank you. I had that glass of wine before just to be polite. I don't really drink. You have to keep alert when you live the life I do.

JENNIFER: Well I really wish you didn't have to go Howard.

HOWARD: Well as they say, all good things must come to an end. Thank you Jennifer. The dinner was wonderful.

JENNIFER: I'm really glad you could make it Howard.

HOWARD: Thanks for inviting me.

JACK: Wait a minute. Here's some.... here's some dinner rolls in case you get hungry later.

HOWARD: Very thoughtful, both of you. Goodnight.

 

HE KISSES JENNIFER'S HAND AND WALKS TOWARDS THE DOOR.

 

JACK: Oh watch that rug.

 

JACK OPENS THE DOOR AND HOWARD BECKONS HIM OUTSIDE.

 

HOWARD: Ah, Jack.

JACK: Um, you wanted to tell me something.

HOWARD: Yes. (Beat) Take good care of your wife. She's one in a million.

JACK: Yes, I'm well aware of that.

 

HOWARD LEAVES AND JACK GOES BACK INSIDE.

SCENE NINE: JENNIFER HAS GONE OUT TO THE BALCONY WHILE JACK STARTS TO CLEAN UP. HE FOLLOWS HER OUT THERE AND SHE IS LOOKING AT THE KEYCHAIN AGAIN.

 

JACK: The food is drying on the dishes out there.

JENNIFER: I'll take care of it later.

JACK: Oh I'll take care of it now.

 

SHE STARES OUT OVER THE CITY.

 

JACK: I came out to.... make peace.

JENNIFER: What do you mean?

JACK: I mean.... I know you were a might peeved at me earlier.

JENNIFER: That's right I was. I forgot.

JACK: How unlike you. What's wrong?

JENNIFER: Nothing really. I just can't stop thinking about Howard.

JACK: Oh I wouldn't worry about Howard. I'm sure he's down there somewhere in some nameless alley rolling some nameless bum.... excuse me, street person.

JENNIFER: Howard is not like that Jack and you know it. You like him.

JACK: I have no opinion of him one way or the other.

JENNIFER: Then why did you give him the rolls?

JACK: I gave him the rolls because we had two dozen rolls and I didn't want to have too many rolls sitting in the bread box gathering mold.

JENNIFER: Because you liked him.

JACK: I don't dislike him.

JENNIFER: It's the same thing. Unless you're still jealous of course.

JACK: Oh please, please.

JENNIFER: Well like I said, when you're jealous Jack, you're very cute.

JACK: No, no. If you're going to say I'm cute when I'm jealous you're really are going to go on the moon express. You are.

JENNIFER: Well if I am, tonight's the night to do it.

 

SHE LOOKS UP AT THE MOON.

JENNIFER: And there's so many stars out. It's really strange isn't it? I mean people are so different but no matter who we are or where we are, when we look up we're all looking at the same thing.

JACK: Is that the lead or the close?

JENNIFER: I don't understand. The what?

JACK: I said the lead or the close.... of the story that you're working on. You're obviously working on a story and I am sure it has something to do with the homeless.

JENNIFER: What do you think?

JACK: I think it's a good idea.

JENNIFER: Are you serious?

JACK: Of course I'm serious. Just because I don't say anything or do anything to help the homeless doesn't mean I don't believe that somebody should do something to help them, and I do.

JENNIFER: You believe that Howard should have some help. Because whether you admit it or not, you like the old guy.

JACK: I think I'm going to see to those dishes.

JENNIFER: Oh come on Jack, who are you kidding? You have never washed a dish in your life. You don't know how.

JACK: Either I'll learn or I'll hire someone to learn.

JENNIFER: Jack, if I were Howard I'd want you as a grandson too.

 

JACK WANDERS INSIDE AND JENNIFER STAYS OUTSIDE LOOKING AT THE KEYCHAIN.