SCENE ONE: IT IS THE NEXT DAY AND JACK AND JENNIFER WALK INTO ALICE'S RESTAURANT HAVING A LOUD ARGUMENT. HAWK IS THE COUNTER PRETENDING TO READ A NEWSPAPER BUT REALLY HE IS LISTENING TO EVERYTHING THEY ARE SAYING. JACK IS NOW WEARING A PAIR OF SPORTS TROUSERS WITH AN OPEN NECK MATCHING SHIRT AND A DARK BROWN SUEDE JACKET.
JACK: Jennifer, Jennifer will you listen to me?
JENNIFER: NO I AM NOT. I AM NOT GOING TO LISTEN TO YOU.
JACK: Will you listen to me?
JENNIFER: I AM THROUGH LISTENING TO YOU, ALRIGHT. Now I'm giving you until tonight to get your things out of that house and I am changing all the locks and I want you out of the house and out of my life, for good.
JACK: Yeah.... if you would....
SHE GLARES AT HIM THEN SITS DOWN AWAY FROM HIM. JACK SITS AT A FAR BOOTH AND GRABS ALICE AT THE FIRST CHANCE HE GETS.
JACK: Mrs. Horton, you have to help me.
ALICE: Jack, I am not going to get in the middle of this. This is between you and Jennifer.
JACK: But she won't listen to me.
ALICE: Well why should she listen to you.... YOU WOMANIZER, YOU!
JACK: Well I never.... I haven't!
ALICE WALKS AWAY IGNORING HIM TOO. BOTH JENNIFER AND JACK NOTICE THAT HAWK IS STILL LISTENING. HE GRABS THE NAPKIN DISPENSER AND PULLS ONE OUT. THEN HE RUNS OVER AND HIDES BEHIND JENNIFER'S BOOTH AND WAVES THE NAPKIN LIKE A WHITE FLAG OF SURRENDER.
JENNIFER: Oh, WILL YOU STOP BOTHERING ME, PLEASE?
JACK: I surrender! Please! I put my life in your hands. I'm all yours.
JENNIFER: I don't want you. Maybe Cindy wants you. Why don't you try her?
JACK SITS DOWN OPPOSITE HER.
JACK: Whatever she told you, it's a lie. All of it, it's just a big fat lie. She.... she drugged me, that's what she did. She drugged me and she took those pictures. I don't remember a thing.
JENNIFER: Maybe you should look at the pictures Jack. Maybe they'll jog your memory. You don't look out of it at all. In fact you look like you were having a DAMN GOOD TIME!
JACK: Listen, I'm telling you the truth. You have to believe me.
JENNIFER: I don't have to do anything as far as you're concerned and now I am leaving.
JACK: Wait a minute, you cannot leave. You cannot just....
JENNIFER PICKS UP THE NAPKIN HOLDER AND IS ABOUT TO THROW IT AT HIM.
JACK: NO, NO, NO. DON'T....ALICE: STOP THAT, STOP THAT. I will not have any fighting in my restaurant.
JACK: That's right.
ALICE: Jack I am asking you to leave.
ALICE: And if you don't, I'll call the police.
JACK: Ah.... but.... alright, I'm going.... this time. But I'm not giving up.
HE RUNS TO THE DOOR.
JACK: I'm not giving up on you.
SHE THROWS THE NAPKIN HOLDER AT HIM.
JENNIFER: I'm sorry. I'm sorry Grandma.
ALICE: Oh darling, I know.... I understand, you can't help it.
JENNIFER: I'll be okay.
ALICE: Are you sure?
JENNIFER: Yeah, I'm fine. I just need to pull myself together. I'll be fine.
ALICE: Well I'll be right here if you want me.
ALICE GOES BACK BEHIND THE COUNTER.
SCENE TWO: STILL AT ALICE'S, HAWK IMMEDIATELY PUTS DOWN HIS NEWSPAPER AND GOES OVER TO SIT DOWN WITH JENNIFER.
JENNIFER: Hawk, you know, I'm really not in the mood for talking right now.
HAWK: Yeah I know. I just saw the whole thing. I.... I just wondered if there's anything that you needed.
JENNIFER: A better life.
HAWK: Heheh. Well I don't know whether I can exactly deliver that single handed but I think maybe I can help.
JENNIFER: You were always there to help, weren't you?
HAWK: Well I still am.
JENNIFER: Thanks Hawk but you know what I think I really need to be alone right now.
HAWK: Oh okay, well I understand. You just take care now, okay.
JENNIFER: I will, thank you.
HAWK: See you round.
HAWK LEAVES THE RESTAURANT.
AS SOON AS HE IS OUT OF SIGHT ALICE GIVES A SIGNAL.
ALICE: Psssssss.... ALL CLEAR!
JENNIFER STANDS UP WITH DELIGHT AND JACK APPEARS FROM THE BACK ENTRANCE.
JENNIFER: We did it! Jack!
JACK: Okay, it's alright. I think we did it. I think we finally put one over on Baby Howie.
JENNIFER: Yes! You were great.
THEY HUG EACH OTHER.
JENNIFER: You're a better actor than I ever realized Jack. You were great.
JACK: Well thank you, thank you. You put on a real five hanky act yourself. (To Alice) And you! (Beat) So I think we have to be ready for step two now.
JENNIFER: Yes, let's hope it's as good as step one.
JACK: You're ready.... Mrs. Horton? You know exactly what to do?
ALICE: I'm ready.
JACK: Alright. We need to get back to the house to get everything ready. You're ready?
JENNIFER: I'm ready.
JACK: Okay, we're really going to do it.
JACK EXTENDS HIS HAND AND THEY PILE THEIRS ON TOP OF HIS.
JACK: We're really going to take care of Baby Howie once and for all.
JACK: Aaaaaaah.... STRIKE!
THEY ALL GIVE EACH OTHER HIGH FIVES.
JACK: Let's go. Come on.
JACK AND JENNIFER RUN OUT.
SCENE THREE: A SHORT TIME LATER, DESIRŁE HAS JUST SET UP HER PSYCHIC READING BOOTH AT ALICE'S RESTAURANT.
ALICE: Desirōe, I just had an emergency call. Jennifer needs you to do a reading for her right away over at her penthouse.
DESIRŁE: Oh Jennifer.
ALICE: Huh, huh.
DESIRŁE: Tell her I'll be right there.
DESIRŁE LEAVES AND ALICE SMILES.
SCENE FOUR: AT THE PENTHOUSE, JENNIFER IS POLISHING A LARGE CRYSTAL BALL THAT SHE AND JACK HAVE BOUGHT FOR THE OCCASION.
JACK: Okay, are you all ready?
JENNIFER: Yeah, I think we should rehearse it one more time though, okay?
JACK: Okay, just a quickie. You get the lights.
JACK: I've got the music right here. Okay, great, assume the position.
THEY BOTH SIT DOWN OPPOSITE EACH OTHER LOOKING AT THE CRYSTAL BALL.
JACK: Okay, take your hands, close your eyes.
JACK STARTS TO CHANT.
JACK: Ummmmmm.... Ummmmmm.... ET phone hooooooooome.... if anybody's on the line, give me a siiiiiiign.
THEY BOTH HEAR A FUNNY VOICE CALLING JACK.
JENNIFER: Did you hear that?
JACK: That wasn't you.
JENNIFER: No, maybe we shouldn't go through with this Jack. Maybe we should just forget it.
JACK: No, no, no. We just have to clear the line. That's what we have do. Heloooooo out there, where are you?
JO ENTERS THE PENTHOUSE AND PUTS HER HAND ON JACK'S SHOULDER.
JO: I'm right here.
THEY BOTH SCREAM.
JENNIFER: JO! I don't believe it.
JO: Yes, it's me. What in the world is going on here?
[MATTHEW LOOKS ACROSS AT MISSY AND SMILES]
SCENE FIVE: JO HAS JUST BEEN RELEASED FROM BAYVIEW AND HAS DROPPED BY THE PENTHOUSE, SURPRISING JACK AND JENNIFER. THEY HAVE SET JO DOWN AND GOTTEN HER SOME TEA; THEY THEN TRY TO EXPLAIN WHAT IS UP WITH ALL THE WEIRD STUFF IN THE ROOM.
JO: Now what happened was, you see, when they said.... thank you very much.... they were going to release me a day early, I said that will be just fine. I'll just go back to my apartment and I will clean it up and then I will have Jack and Jennifer over. But as it would be, we were passing by your place and I just couldn't wait.
JACK: Heheheh, if you make the cabby wait, it will probably cost a fortune.
JO: Oh son, I'm not here to borrow money. I've got money of my own.
JACK: Oh that makes one of us.
JENNIFER GIVES JACK A LOOK.
JO: Is everything alright?
JENNIFER: Everything's just fine.
JACK: Fine. Things will be even finer a little later this afternoon if you get my drift and follow my meaning.
JO: Oh I would never try to follow you Jack but I am trying to ask as few questions as possible about the two of you thought I must admit this is a little weirder than usual.
JENNIFER: Well there's a very good reason why we're doing this.
THE DOORBELL RINGS AND THEY BOTH JUMP UP IN A RUSH.
JENNIFER: That's her. Go in the guest room Jo.
JACK: Hope you enjoyed that tea.
JENNIFER: Go in the guest room right now and don't say a word, alright.
JACK: You know I think we've got TV in there and I think we've even got some of your baskets you can work on.
JENNIFER: Don't say a word alright.
JO: Alright, whatever you say, okay.
JACK: Sssssshhh. You have to keep it down.
JO: Okay, okay.
JACK TAKES JO INTO THE GUEST ROOM WHILE JENNIFER OPENS THE DOOR.
JENNIFER: Desirōe, hi, come on in. Come on in. Thank you for getting here so quickly.
DESIRŁE: Hey no problem, no problem. But there is an extra fee for you know, emergency readings and stuff. Didn't I mention that stuff to you?
JENNIFER: No you didn't, not really, but you know what, money's no object.
DESIRŁE: Well in that case, let's do it.
JACK COMES OUT FROM THE GUEST ROOM.
JENNIFER: Well you know Jack, ah, here, he has been insisting that he is not having an affair. And you are the only person that I trust to find out the truth for me.
DESIRŁE: Huh, huh, the truth, huh. Yah, I'm getting a funky feeling just looking at him.
JACK: Well.... let's get down to the meat of the matter, shall we? Jennifer.
JENNIFER: I'll get the lights.
JACK: Lights please.
DESIRŁE: Hey, where'd you all get all this stuff from?
JENNIFER: Well there's a magic shop right around the corner.
DESIRŁE: How lucky for you, too. Cause you know what, I ran from your grandmother's restaurant so fast I left my crystal ball.
JACK: Oh I wouldn't worry. I'm sure that one will suffice.
DESIRŁE: Ah, yeah. Well I'm sure it will.
JACK PUTS ON A CASSETTE AND EERIE MUSIC BEGINS PLAYING.
JACK: There we go. Mood music.
JACK SITS DOWN OPPOSITE JENNIFER WITH DESIRŁE IN THE MIDDLE.
DESIRŁE: Well now you guys know the drill already so.... OOOOH.... shall we begin? Let's just hold hands.
JACK LOOKS NERVOUS AND SO DOES JENNIFER.DESIRŁE: Ooooh, boom chuckaluckalucka boom chuckluckalucka higher .... let it take you higher. Let's find out if Jack's a frequent flyer....
SUDDENLY JENNIFER SEEMS TO GO INTO A TRANCE AND THROWS HER HEAD FORWARD ONTO THE TABLE AND THEN FLINGS IT BACKWARDS.
JENNIFER: YOUZE GUYS, I'VE FOUND HER!
HER ACCENT IS ROUGH AND UNEDUCATED. IT SOUNDS LIKE A VERY BAD BROOKLYN ACCENT.
JENNIFER (CONT.): YOU OWE ME MONEY, DIVINE!
DESIRŁE: Come again.
JENNIFER: YOU HEARD ME. THE JACK'S GAME, I WON THAT GAME. DON'T TELL ME NOTHIN' ABOUT MY SPREAD BEIN' WRONG. I WON THE GAME. I'M TURNIN' YOU IN. THE JACK'S WON THAT GAME.
DESIRŁE: People, people, people, come on, come on now, come on baby. Yeah, yeah.... oooooh, I must have dialed the wrong number or something there. Oooooh yes indeed. Come on let's just try it again, huh. Shall we? Alright, right steady babe, right steady....LET'S HAVE THOSE SPIRITS TELL US WHAT IT IS, WHAT IT IS, WHAT IT IS, WHAT IT IS.
ONCE AGAIN JENNIFER FLINGS HER HEAD BACK AND FORTH THEN STANDS STRAIGHT UP.
JENNIFER: Oh, Desdemona, is that you? Yes it is you?
SHE IS SPEAKING IN A VERY BAD ENGLISH ACCENT.
JENNIFER: Hello Desdemona. Constable this is the woman I was telling you about, Desdemona. She sold me the imitation Swiss watches. The one I paid handsomely for.
JENNIFER: I must say very handsome but it was not a Swiss watch. It wasn't a Swiss watch at all.
DESIRŁE: (Imitating Jennifer's accent) Well I thought it was a Swiss watch.
JENNIFER: No it wasn't a Swiss watch.
DESIRŁE CLAPS HER HANDS AND JENNIFER COMES OUT OF HER TRANCE.
DESIRŁE: Oh no, no, no. I'm sorry here. I thought I was possessed by own self for a minute. HEHEHEHEHEH! You know what I think it's time we just called this a day.
SUDDENLY JENNIFER THROWS HER HEAD BACK AND FORTH AGAIN.
JENNIFER: Oh Deedee.
HER ACCENT IS NOW A VERY BAND SOUTHERN.
JENNIFER: Deedee, you told me I'd bought some free land in Florida and I didn't know that my retirement plan was going to end up being a sink hole so you spent my entire life savings and now I don't have anything.
DESIRŁE: No, no, I did not. No I did not. You had more money than you knew what to do with, you cheap old biddy, come on.
JENNIFER THROWS HER HEAD BACK AND FORTH AGAIN. THEN SHE GRABS DESIRŁE BY THE ARM AND TWISTS IT BACKWARDS. HER VOICE IS VERY TOUGH.
JENNIFER: YOU STOP THAT! YOU GET BACK IN LINE, DO YOU HEAR ME?
DESIRŁE: Ah.... what?
JENNIFER: THAT IS TWENTY DAYS SOLITARY WITH NO PAROLE EITHER.
DESIRŁE: What are you talking about?
JENNIFER: YOU'RE GOING TO BE DOING SOME LONG HARD TIME, SISTER.
DESIRŁE SCREAMS AND RUNS TO JACK FOR PROTECTION. SUDDENLY THERE IS A LOT OF LOUD NOISES COMING FROM ABOVE AND THE THREE OF THEM LOOK UP.
JACK: What is that? (Beat) look!
JACK POINTS TO THE CRYSTAL BALL WHERE AN IMAGE IS STARTING TO FORM.
JACK: It's Universal Studios in Hollywood, California!
THE IMAGE IS OF HAWK SITTING AT THE TABLE READING HIS MAGAZINE. DESIRŁE SCREAMS IN PANIC.
SCENE SIX: JACK AND JENNIFER ARE CONTINUING THEIR SCAM OF DESIRÉE; AS PART OF THE SCAM HAWK'S IMAGE APPEARS IN THE CRYSTAL BALL, TERRIFYING DESIRÉE.
JACK: Well look.... look at that. That's Universal Studios in Hollywood. That's where Jennifer and I had our honeymoon right before we met you.
DESIRŁE: Isn't that lovely? Like I said, I think it's time for me to be going.
JACK: Wait, look, there's people there too. There's people, why there's me and there's.... oh there's Baby Howie and over there there's.... Baby Howie, what's he doing there?
JENNIFER THROWS HER HEAD BACK AND FORTH AGAIN.
JENNIFER: Oh weeeeee, yee haw!
JENNIFER PUTS ONE LEG UP ON A CHAIR LIKE HAWK AND SHE USES HIS COWBOY ACCENT.
JENNIFER: Alright, I got us some live ones here Desirōe. Name of Deveraux. You just set 'em up with some of your bogus hocus pocus and I'll just rope 'em right in, alright?
DESIRŁE IS REALLY SCARED.
JACK: You've known Baby Howie all along?
DESIRŁE: Well that's not me talking, that's her.
JACK: Yes but she sounds like Baby Howie and he's talking to you.
DESIRŁE CLAPS HER HANDS AND JENNIFER COMES OUT OF HER TRANCE.
JENNIFER: Huh? What?.... What, what happened?
JACK: I don't know what happened but we're going to get to the bottom of it. You stay right here Desirōe. Jennifer you get the light. I will get the music and we will get to the bottom of this.
JENNIFER: Alright, what's going on. Tell me, right now, what happened?
JACK: I'll tell you what happened. Baby Howie and Desirōe have been in a con since the beginning!
DESIRŁE: That is bogus. That is not true. You don't even have any proof daddy.
JACK: Oh yeah? I'll show you bogus.
HE WALKS OVER AND PICKS UP A CASSETTE.
JACK: I've got your whole bogus psychic act right here on tape. Not only that, we happen to know everything about your past. You're wanted in oh, twenty-five, twenty-six states across the big old United States. From Maine....
JENNIFER: New Jersey.
JACK: New Jersey, Florida, sunny California.
JACK: Coventry, New England. Under how many different names? Twenty-five I think. What's that one?
JENNIFER: Winona Bell, Kansas City.
JACK: Winona Bell, Kansas City for three thousand dollars worth of parking tickets. Maybe we should go on.
DESIRŁE: Not really.
JACK: Okay, maybe we'll go on with the police.
JACK GOES TO THE PHONE JUST AS THE DOORBELL RINGS.
JACK: Ah, I'll get it.
JACK OPENS THE DOOR AND VERN IS STANDING THERE DRESSED AS A POLICEMAN. HE HAS ON A FULL UNIFORM AND HAT AND A REALLY THICK BUSHY MUSTACHE AND SUNGLASSES.
JACK: Ah, well that was fast.
VERN: I been hearing some weird noises from up here. Chains, clanking, screamin'. Thought I better come up and check it out.JACK: Well check this out. Arrest that woman, right there!
VERN: What for?
JACK: Well for fraud, theft, impersonating a psychic. I've got it right here on tape.
VERN: That's good enough for me. Little lady you are going to the slammer up river for a long long time. Now let's go.
HE HANDCUFFS HER.
DESIRŁE: No wait a minute, hold your horses daddy. I'm not going to no prison, no way. Not if I can help it. Look guys I know what you're thinking, I know what you're thinking. But I'm not bad. Really, I'm not. I'm just misunderstood here.
JACK LOOKS VERY SUSPICIOUSLY AT HER.
DESIRŁE: Look help me, please. Come on please help me. I will do anything. I will do anything but please, don't let them lock me up.
JACK: She said she'll do anything.
JACK: Really? Anything?
DESIRŁE: That's right, that's right. Anything at all.
JACK: Alright. How about if you tell us everything you know about Baby Howie. I'm sure if you do, the police will be more than willing to grant you immunity. Isn't that right officer?
VERN: I personally guaran-damn-tee it.
DESIRŁE: Alright.... I'll talk.
JACK SITS HER DOWN AND THEN SITS RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER.
JACK: Alright, tell us everything you know Desirōe or whatever the hell your name is this week.
DESIRŁE: Maybe I ought to call a lawyer.
VERN: Or maybe I ought to take you down town and book you?
DESIRŁE: Okay, okay.... okay. Hawk was trying to con you. He followed you all from LA and came here and set up the con to take your money.
JACK: Huh, huh. So exactly where is my money?
DESIRŁE: The old man's got it.
JENNIFER: The old man? What old man?
JENNIFER: Howard? Howard is dead.
DESIRŁE: Well he's supposed to be. That was all part of the con just to reel you all in. Chauncey's a part of it too. And after we pulled off the sting in New York, you know, we were all supposed to go to Switzerland with the loot.
JACK AND JENNIFER ARE LISTENING WITH THEIR MOUTHS OPEN IN SHOCK.
JACK: Well, why didn't you go to Switzerland with the loot?
DESIRŁE: Miss Thing! If Hawk hadn't of gotten the hots for Miss Jennifer here, we'd all be enjoying a very alpine retirement right now.
JACK: Let me get this straight. Because of Jennifer, no one is enjoying my money right now?
DESIRŁE: Nobody but Howard.
JACK: Time out, time out. Jennifer right over here.
THEY WALK TO THE SIDE OF THE ROOM AND WHISPER TO EACH OTHER.
JACK: I can't believe this. I can't believe we fell for this, from old man Howard, from the very beginning. Me, me of all people!
JENNIFER: Jack what about me? I fell for it too. I believed Hawk. I stood up for him. I'm so sorry.
JACK: I'm sorry, no I'm the one.
DESIRŁE: Listen you all, now that I have spilt the beans, can I check out? If it's alright with you all?
JACK: Oh no. No, no, no, no, no. We haven't quite finished with you. (Beat) What do you say to helping us nail Hawk and Howard?
DESIRŁE: Do I have a choice?
JACK: Ah, sure you have a choice. You can help us or we can help you find a new spring wardrobe. Prison gray.
DESIRŁE: Huh, huh, so what exactly do you have in mind?
DESIRŁE LEAVES FOR NOW UNTIL JACK HAS THE NEW PLAN SET UP.
SCENE SEVEN: LATER, JACK, JENNIFER, JO AND VERN ARE CELEBRATING JACK AND JENNIFER BEING BACK TOGETHER, THAT THEIR PLOT TO GET HAWK IS WORKING, AND JO'S RELEASE FROM BAYVIEW.
JACK: I know this is only sparkling cider but it's all we could afford. But the glasses are real. So, here's to getting through this afternoon.
JENNIFER: And to Jo being back.
VERN: Hey, I'll drink to that as soon as I can get out of all this stuff.
JO: Well I still don't quite understand exactly what's going on around here.
JACK: Well.... it's a little hard to understand.
JO: Well there's got to have been an easier way to go about it than.... of course the two of you don't understand an easy way.
JENNIFER LEANS BACK AGAINST JACK AND RESTS HER HEAD BACK ON HIS CHEST.
JO: Oh I'm just glad you're back together. It doesn't matter how you got there.
JENNIFER: Oh here here.
JACK: Oh here and there, yes.
THEY ALL SIP THE CIDER.
JO: Well I better be getting home. I've had enough for one day.
JACK: Alright, well let me call you a cab.
VERN: No, no, let me do the honors if you don't mind.
JACK: Okay you call a cab.
VERN EXTENDS HIS ARM TO JO.
SHE TAKES HIS ARM.
JENNIFER: Well we'll call you later Jo.
JO: Alright, I'd like that, thank you.
JENNIFER: Okay, goodbye.
JO: Bye, bye.
JACK: You be good.
VERN: Oh we will.
VERN AND JO LEAVE AND JACK DOES NOT LIKE IT ONE BIT.
JENNIFER: Well.... I believe that we are really on our way now.
JACK: I think we're on our way to that couch cause I gotta put my dogs up.
JENNIFER: Your dogs? My dogs are barking.
JACK: Right this way Mrs. Deveraux.
JACK AND JENNIFER FLOP ON THE COUCH.
JACK: You old lady, Englishman, New Jersey truck driver, you.
JENNIFER: You know what, I can't believe that Hawk is finally going to get what he deserves. It's amazing. It makes me want to celebrate.
JACK: Now wait, let me tell you something, there's no way we can.... well we have to celebrate right here where we are because at this juncture in time Hawk can't see us celebrating outside of this apartment.
JENNIFER: Well I realize that but that's exactly what I had in mind.
JACK: It is?
JENNIFER: Huh, huh. Celebrating here.
THEY KISS GENTLY THEN THEY FALL BACKWARDS ON THE COUCH AS THEY KISS AGAIN.
JACK: Oh, oh, careful.
JENNIFER ENDS UP LYING ON TOP OF JACK AND HER HAIR COVERS HER FACE.
JACK: Was that you?
JENNIFER: Yes.JACK: Oh, I think it is.
THEY CONTINUE TO KISS AS THE SCENE FADES.