SCENE ONE: JACK IS ABOUT TO GO ON AIR TO DO THE CROSSFIRE PIECE WITH JENNIFER, WHEN MARCUS ARRIVES WITH HIS TEST RESULTS.
MARCUS: Jack, didn't you hear what I said. I've got the results of the tests that we did the other day.
JACK: Ah but.... what.... what....
ARNIE COMES OVER AND GRABS JACK.
ARNIE: What are you babbling about Jack? Come on, it's show time.
JACK: Give me a second, give it to me straight. What's the prognosis?
MARCUS: Don't you think we should wait until it's a little more private.
DIRECTOR: Everybody 30 seconds.... 30 seconds.
JACK: 30 SECONDS!
ARNIE DRAGS JACK INTO POSITION AS HE TRIES TO GET INFORMATION FROM MARCUS.
JACK: Wait, I got to find out.... I got to find out.... ARNIE: You can find out later. They're ready to count you down.
JACK: I.... but....
HE TRIES TO SETTLE IN HIS PLACE AS THEY ARE COUNTED IN.
DIRECTOR: Okay in 5, 4, 3....
JENNIFER: What's the matter with you, you look sic....
DIRECTOR: .... 2.
JACK AND JENNIFER BOTH IMMEDIATELY SIT STILL AS THE ANCHOR INTRODUCES THEM. JACK IS LOOKING ILL THOUGH AND IS TRYING TO SIGNAL MARCUS.
SCENE TWO: JACK IS DESPERATELY TRYING TO FIND OUT THE RESULTS FROM MARCUS, JUST AS THE ANCHOR INTRODUCES HIM AND JENNIFER FOR THEIR CROSSFIRE PIECE.
ANCHOR: This evening we begin with a new feature on the six o'clock news with the WTGB husband and wife team of Jack and Jennifer Deveraux, on opposite sides of the fence. Jack, Jennifer, welcome.
JENNIFER: Thank you Crosby and we're very happy to be here.
SHE LOOKS ACROSS AT JACK.
JACK: Happy.... happy.... we're very happy.... happy to be here. In fact I can't tell there's no place I'd rather be in this world than (He looks across to Marcus) right behind this desk.
JENNIFER: As most of you know, this is the first in a series of controversial issues to be debated by my husband Jack and me. Tonight's topic is health care. Should the government get involved?
AS SHE IS SPEAKING, JACK IS MAKING CRAZY HAND SIGNALS TO MARCUS WHO SIGNALS BACK FOR JACK TO CALM DOWN. JACK DOES NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT MARCUS MEANS.
JENNIFER: Jack says no but I say yes, because health care in this country is in a state of crisis bordering on chaos and the only thing that can spell relief is government intervention.
JENNIFER IS DISTURBED BY JACK'S SIGNALS.
JACK: What?.... Oh.... this.... this is ridiculous. That's all I've got to say. It's ridiculous. I mean what if someone wants to have a private doctor in time of personal crisis. I mean a doctor that you can trust. (Jack is referring to Marcus) Someone.... someone who will be open and above board in times of tremendous stress.
MARCUS IS SIGNALING JACK TO CALM DOWN AND TAKE IT EASY.
JACK: Someone who will give you a straight answer to a straight....
MARCUS THINKS JACK IS GETTING FAR TOO EXCITED AND SIGNALS HIM TO CUT BY RUNNING HIS FINGER ALONG HIS THROAT. JACK INTERPRETS THAT AS A SIGN THAT THE TESTS WENT BAD.
JACK: .... question.
JENNIFER: Every American has a right to adequate health care and statistics show that a government sponsored system is the only way to provide it. (Beat) Jack! Any final words.
JACK HAS HIS MOUTH OPEN AS HE TRIES TO COME TO TERMS WITH WHAT HE THINKS MARCUS HAS TOLD HIM.
JACK: Well.... final words.... I'd say that it's frankly too late for any kind of health care. (Beat) Just too late.
JENNIFER IS COMPLETELY PUZZLED BY HIS ACTIONS.
ANCHOR: Well thank you very much Jack and Jennifer for that enlightening report. We'll be right back.
DIRECTOR: And we're.... CLEAR.
JACK LETS OUT A BIG SIGH AND LOOKS LIKE HE IS ABOUT TO THROW UP AGAIN.
JENNIFER: What are you doing Jack? What were you just talking about?
HE GETS UP FROM THE DESK AND WALKS OVER TO MARCUS.
MARCUS: Jack, Jack, your wife, she's talking to you.
JACK: I know that. This is between you and me. She's not going to hear a word about this until I say so, right?
MARCUS: Are you sure?
JACK: I'm sure. Listen, she'll be a widow soon enough. She'll be wearing that black and I don't want to see it any sooner than I have to. I mean it makes her look all washed out.
MARCUS: Jack what are you talking about?
JACK: What, you know what I'm talking about. You made it perfectly clear. It's over, curtains, finis!
JACK MAKES THE SAME CUT SIGNAL THAT MARCUS USED.
MARCUS: No, no, no. I think you got your signals crossed here Jack.
JACK: What, what are you talking about?
MARCUS: The results, they're negative.
MARCUS: Yes, negative.
JACK: Are you positive?
MARCUS: They're negative, I'm positive. yes. You're fine, you're healthy, except for maybe in your mind.
JACK STARTS TO SMILE.
JACK: Wait a minute, you mean.... I'm going to live.
MARCUS: You're going to live.
JACK: I'm going to live!
MARCUS: You're going to live.
JACK: I'm going to live!
JACK: I'M GOING TO LIVE!
JACK SCREAMS WITH EXCITEMENT AND GRABS MARCUS AND STARTS DANCING AROUND IN CIRCLES.
JACK: I'M GOING TO LIVE, I'M GOING TO LIVE, I'M GOING TO LIVE.
MARCUS: Jack, Jack!
JACK STARTS TO LAUGH HYSTERICALLY AND CREATE A REAL DISTURBANCE.
JENNIFER: Jack, what....
HE RUNS OVER AND GRABS JENNIFER AND SWINGS HER AROUND.
JACK: Jennifer, I'M GOING TO LIVE. I'M GOING TO LIVE. I'm going to live! HEHEHEHEHEHEHEH.
JENNIFER: Of course you're going to live. What is this?
JACK: What?JENNIFER: What is this? I've never seen you so happy. That's it. Just calm down and tell me what this is all about.
SCENE THREE: THEY BOTH SITTING AT THE FRONT OF THE SET AND JACK HAS TOLD HER WHAT HAS BEEN GOING ON.
JACK: Come on, say something. I know. Look I know you're mad at me. Face the facts, I lied, I was sneaky, I was secretive, I even found a way to get you out of town.
JENNIFER: Jack you were just trying to spare me, I know that.
JACK: Oh don't spare me on your.... what, now you're trying another track. You're going to try to forgive me. Is that right?
JENNIFER: What are you talking about? There is nothing to forgive. And I am not mad at you Jack. You just told me that you are going to be okay and I want to celebrate. I'm not mad at you.
JACK: Alright, alright, then that's exactly what we're going to do. We're going to forget about everything. We're going to forget about those money problems and we're going to go out and have ourselves a good time.
JACK LEAPS UP AND STARTS TO WALK AWAY, COMPLETELY FORGETTING ABOUT JENNIFER.
JENNIFER: Jack.... I.... I need your help to get up.
JACK: "A little help from our friends."
HE HELPS HER TO HER FEET.
JACK: WHOA! We're going to have a big time. That's what we're going to have.
THEY WALK OFF ARM IN ARM.
SCENE FOUR: A SHORT TIME LATER THEY ARE SEATED AT A TABLE AT WINGS. DAVE HAS JUST BROUGHT THE MEAL. HE LIFTS THE COVER TO REVEAL A LOBSTER.
JACK: Well Dave, there's only one lobster there. I mean there's two of us here and technically three, right.
DAVE: Okay, I'll get another one.
JENNIFER: Jack are you crazy? The menu said the lobster was market price.
JACK: What is market price for someone who's been snatched back from the jaws of death? I ask you.
JENNIFER: You know something, you're right. If we're going to celebrate we should do it all the way, right.
JACK: All the way, right.
JENNIFER: So I'll order us some caviar, how's that?
JACK: Oooh, that's good, that's good. Eggs, eggs.
JACK: Eggs, very good. 23%.
JENNIFER: It's good for me.
JACK: Give them a break.
THE MUSIC STARTS AND IT IS THE JOHNNIE MATHIS' SONG IT IS WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL! THAT JACK SANG TO JENNIFER ON THE SET OF DR. LOVE.
JENNIFER: Did you do that?
JACK: Well I thought you couldn't have a celebration without music.
HE EXTENDS HIS HAND TO DANCE.
JACK: Shall we?
SHE TAKES HIS HAND.
JACK: Thank you.
THEY BEGIN TO DANCE TO THEIR SONG. JACK CLOSES HIS EYES AND BEGINS TO SING AND HUM OFF KEY JUST LIKE HE DID THE FIRST TIME.
JACK: Mmmmm.... wonderful.... mmmm.... mmmm.
JACK: What, what?
JENNIFER: You know what, I think that we should let Johnnie finish the rest of song, okay. Besides, you promised me that you were never going to sing this song again, right?
JACK: Oh right, absolutely, absolutely.
THEY BEGIN TO DANCE AGAIN AND THIS TIME JENNIFER BEGINS TO SING. SHE iS JUST AS BAD AS JACK AND SINGS OFF KEY RIGHT IN HIS EAR.
JENNIFER: "And I say to myself, it's wonderful, wonderful...."
JACK: Whoa, whoa, wait a minute, wait a minute, I thought you said we weren't going to sing?
JENNIFER: No, I said that you couldn't sing but I didn't say I couldn't sing. I can't.... but I can.
JACK: But you will, that's what you're saying.
JENNIFER BEGINS TO WARBLE AGAIN.
JENNIFER: "It's wonderful, wonderful."
JACK: You can't even hear the music.
JENNIFER: "Oh so wonderful." (Beat) Whooo, come on Jack.
JACK: Wait a minute, whoa.... you're not even....
JENNIFER: "And I say to myself...."
JACK: She's actually saying to herself....
JENNIFER: "It's wonderful, wonderful, oh so wonderful...."
DAVE: "And I say to myself...."
DAVE STARTS DANCING WITH JENNIFER.
JENNIFER: "It's wonderful, wonderful...."
JACK: Oh great, everybody's getting in the act now. Excuse me. Outsky.... thank you.
JACK TAKES OVER THE DANCING AGAIN.
JACK: ".... to myself...." I'm going to put an end to this. I'm going to put us both out of our misery.
HE BENDS HER BACK AND GIVES HER A BIG KISS AS THE REST OF THE PATRONS APPLAUD.
JACK: If you want to hear anymore, you sing yourselves.
HE GOES BACK TO KISSING HER AS THEY DANCE.
SCENE FIVE: LATER THAT EVENING THEY HAVE FINISHED THEIR LAVISH DINNER AS DAVE BRINGS OVER THE BILL.
JENNIFER: She got such a surprise when you told her didn't she.
JACK: Oh yes.
JACK LOOKS DOWN AT THE BILL.
JACK: And after all that it's been a wonderful....
JENNIFER: I know that's just like Jo.
HIS EYES NEARLY POP OUT THEIR SOCKETS.
JENNIFER: Jack, what's the matter? You're starting to look sick again. What?
JACK SIGHS HEAVILY.
JACK: Here. You look at it. We'll be sick together.
JENNIFER: Oh my.... what is this, the national debt Jack.
JACK: Obviously it's been a little while since we've been out. We've forgotten how much to go out on the town.
JENNIFER: Are you telling me, a hundred dollars for caviar? Do you know you can buy a dozen chicken eggs for a dollar and a half?
JACK: Who do you think you're talking to? For these prices these guys could have flown from Maine.
JACK HOLDS UP A LOBSTER SHELL.
JACK: (To the lobster) I hope you enjoyed your trip.
JENNIFER: Jack how are we going to pay for this? We don't get our next check until next week and it has to go right to the bank.
JACK: Tell me something I don't know.
JENNIFER: You know what, I can ask Julie for an IOU and....
JENNIFER: .... then we can pay her back when we get our next check.
JACK: No, no, no, absolutely not.
JENNIFER: Then what are we going to do?
JACK: Just.... I don't care. There will be no charity. The point is.... it's always worse before the dawn....
HE LOOKS AT HIS WATCH.
JACK: Well at least before nine.
SCENE SIX: THE NEXT SCENE IT IS 7 MINUTES PAST 9, THEY ARE BOTH IN THE KITCHEN WASHING UP. JACK HAS AN APRON TIED HIGH UP HIS WAIST AND HE'S HANDING JENNIFER THE PLATES TO DRY. THEY ARE BOTH WEARING VERY LARGE YELLOW RUBBER GLOVES.
JACK: You know this would have been a relatively simple and painless solution to this problem if the stupid dishwasher hadn't broken down.
JENNIFER: Well you know Jack, that's alright because look at the progress we're making. We're almost finished. We're doing good.
JACK: Almost finished alright! The evening's almost finished too.
JENNIFER: Now so what? I was having a wonderful time and so were you Jack. I mean we have to remember the reason that we're celebrating. You got a clean bill of health and with news like that we should be just as happy washing dishes as we were dancing, right? Right.
DAVE BRINGS IN ANOTHER BIG PILE OF PLATES.
DAVE: I hope you guys are not out of soap. There's more on the way.
JACK AND JENNIFER LOOK AT EACH OTHER AS HE PILES UP THE PLATES.
JACK: May I quote you on that?
JENNIFER: Come on.
THEY CONTINUE THEIR WASH AND DRY ROUTINE.
SCENE SEVEN: SOME TIME LATER, JACK AND JENNIFER ARE STILL WASHING DISHES AT WINGS, THE ONLY THING LEFT IS A VERY LARGE WHISK. JACK TAKES IT FROM JENNIFER.
JACK: Thanks. (Beat) You know I'm thinking, there's got to be a way from making this evening a total washout.
JENNIFER: Oh no, you're not going to sing again, are you?
JACK: Oh, no, no, no. Not unless you are.
HE PULLS OFF THE GLOVES.
JACK: But I'm just saying, somehow, some way, we're going to find a way to make this a memorable evening.
HE TURNS OFF THE LIGHTS.
JACK: Step down to my office if you will.
SHE GRINS AT HIM AS SHE WALKS OVER. HE PICKS UP THE LARGE WHISK AGAIN AS HE TAKES HER IN HIS ARMS.
JACK: Ask me nice.
SHE GIGGLES AS THEY START TO KISS.
THEY SINK TO THE FLOOR AND KNOCK OVER A PILE OF DISHES ON THE WAY, YOU CAN HEAR THE SOUND OF BREAKING DISHES.