SCENE ONE: IT IS THE NEXT DAY AND JACK AND JENNIFER ARE AT THE STUDIO GETTING READY FOR THEIR FIRST ASK DR. LOVE SHOW. LUMPY AND LAURIE ARRIVE.
JENNIFER: Hi Laurie.
JACK GIVES THEM A HALF HEARTED WAVE.
JENNIFER: Oh boy well it won't be long now. Are you as excited as I am?
JACK: Almost, yes.
JENNIFER: Oh Jack, it's going to be so much fun. I just know it.
JACK: How could it help but be.
JENNIFER: Well you look great and you're not nervous anymore, right?
JACK: No, no, everything's just perfect. Everything's been taken care of.
JENNIFER: Oh great, so tell me how you did it.
JACK: You're not saying that you're getting cold feet too?
JENNIFER: Well no, but I mean I'm not calm either. I mean think about it Jack, we are going to be on national television. Millions of people are going to see us win money tonight.
JACK: Yes, while we divulge our most intimate secrets.
JENNIFER: No, no, now remember don't let the questions throw you. It's only a game.
JACK: Only a game.
JACK: Yes I'm sure that's what the gladiators used to say to each other just before they started hacking.
JENNIFER: You know what, maybe you shouldn't mention the words gladiators around Lumpy and Laurie or else we're really in for a fight. A fight to the death.
JACK STARTS TO GET SCARED.
SCENE TWO: SCENE TWO: THE DIRECTOR IS PREPPING JACK AND JENNIFER ON HOW TO REACT ON CAMERA, JACK IS TERRIFIED, AND NOT TOO HAPPY ABOUT ACTING "PEPPY."
DIRECTOR: Remember, what the audiences like is pep, energy. So I want a lots of pep from you both, okay.
DIRECTOR: Enthusiasm, you know. The old razzamattaz. Things aren't good, they're fantastic. You're not happy, you're hysterical with joy. HAHAHAHAHAH. Like that, you got it?
JENNIFER: Yeah, we got it.
DIRECTOR: Think you can pull it off?
JENNIFER: Oh yes, oh yes. Jack and I are going to be the peppiest, most energetic couple you've ever seen.
DIRECTOR: That's the idea. Just let it all hang out.
LAURIE: We're all made up and raring to go. How y°all doing?
JACK: Oh we're doing just fine thank you.
LUMPY: Well we wish you both a lot of luck and you're going to need it because we're out to win this sucker. See you later kids.
LUMPY HITS JACK ON THE BACK AS THEY LEAVE.
JENNIFER: I think we're going to have to practice our pep if we're going to beat those two Jack.
JACK: How exactly do you practice pep?
JENNIFER: Well just be like them. We'll jump and we'll scream and we'll clap our hands.
JACK: I would advise against jumping if I were you. That might damage the cargo.
JENNIFER: Oh you're right. Well maybe I'll just bounce and you jump. Here, practice. YAY, YAY, YAY.
HE HOLDS JACK'S HAND AND TRIES TO ACT BOUNCY AND PEPPY. JACK HATES THE WHOLE IDEA.
JENNIFER: Jack, pick your feet up,
JUMP. JACK IS GLUED TO THE FLOOR.
JACK: I can't.
JENNIFER: What's the matter? Jack you know what, you're looking a little green around the gills there.
JACK: Really? I didn't even know I had gills.
JENNIFER: No, I mean you're look very pale all of a sudden. What's wrong?
JACK: I'm not pale, I'm not pale. I'm perfectly fine. As soon as we get out on that stage I'm going to be a.... new man. I mean, I'm going to go out there an unknown and come back.... and come back.... and....
JENNIFER: Jack, what's wrong?
JACK: Nothing I'm.... coming right back as soon as I'm through being sick.
JACK RUSHES TO THE BATHROOM.
SCENE THREE: JACK RETURNS AND SITS DOWN FOR A WHILE TO REST. WHILE THEY ARE WAITING, JO AND VERN ARRIVE.
JO: Good, we made it on time.
JENNIFER: On time for what?
VERN: Well we wanted to come down and wish you both luck before you went on.
JENNIFER: If we go on. Jack's not feeling very well actually, so.
JO: I can see that.
JACK: It's just for now.
JO: He doesn't look too good either. What's wrong Jack?
JACK: Nothing, nothing at all. Just a little stage fright. You know, butterflies in the stomach.JENNIFER: I don't understand how you can have stage fright Jack. I mean you've been on television before. We do the talk show.
JACK: There's one little difference. When we do the talk show, we tear up other people's lives. On this show we tear up about our own lives. Now excuse me, alright.
VERN: Well listen, I knew you weren't looking forward to this Jack, but I thought you stopped hating it after we practiced.
JACK: I.... look I just.... perhaps a little.... we need a little time outside. A little fresh air to degreen our gills. Find out what you're doing here with Jo.
JO: Jack, why don't we go outside. Vern and I will walk you round for a little while.
JENNIFER: That's a good idea. I'll stay here in case they're looking for us.
JACK: It's a good idea. Not to worry, we'll be back soon.
AS JACK WALKS OUT HE MOVES CLOSE TO VERN SO HE CAN FIND OUT WHAT THIS THING WITH JO IS ALL ABOUT.
JACK: Vern?JENNIFER: Well don't take too much time.
SCENE FOUR: JACK COMES BACK A SHORT TIME LATER BUT HE LOOKS NO BETTER.
JO: Vern where have you been?
VERN: I got Dr. Love's autograph. He put it on a picture for me.
JO: Oh Vern, I can't believe you bothered him with something like that. He's a Big star!
VERN: Oh he didn't care. He's a regular guy like the rest of us. Let's see what he said. To.... Van?
JO: Oh, well.... that's very nice.
JACK: Yes, how original Vern. I wonder how he thought that up.
JENNIFER: Jack are you sure you're feeling alright now?
JACK: I'm feeling.... I'm feeling fine for right now. In two days, I'll feel much better.
DIRECTOR: You guys are on soon so get yourselves pumped up and ready to go.
JENNIFER: Okay. We're ready. Right Jack.
JENNIFER: Look are you going to be okay, or what?
JACK: Of course how can I not be okay. I'm sweating, I'm sweating.
JENNIFER: Well I know, that's understandable. These lights are very hot. I'm sweating a little myself.
JACK: It's not just that. My hands are cold. I mean feel them, they're cold. First the gills go green and then the hands turn to ice.
JENNIFER: Look let's just forget the whole thing, okay. We don't have to do this show. I know that you're nervous and you don't want to go through with it. So we don't have to. I don't mind.
JACK: No, no, I'm going to go through with this.
JACK: Because I promised, that's why.
JENNIFER: That doesn't matter. You mean more to me than some stupid game show.
JACK: Thank you but we're going on anyway. I made a promise to you and little.... whoever, that we're going to go on this show and we're going to turn things around. And that's what we're going to do. I'm not going to back out now. Let's just.... let's just get in there and beat the pants off Lumpy and Bumpy.
JENNIFER: It's Lumpy and Laurie.
JENNIFER: And if what they said about their honeymoon was true, I'd just as soon they kept their pants on, wouldn't you?
JACK GOES TO GET A GLASS OF WATER AS LUMPY AND LAURIE COME IN WITH PLATES LOADED WITH FOOD.
LAURIE: Just another second or two.
SHE OFFERS JACK A BITE.
LUMPY: You don't look too happy. What's the matter, I hope the pressure ain't getting to you?
JENNIFER: Oh we're fine, we're really fine. You don't have to worry about us.
DIRECTOR: It's showtime folks. Everybody follow me.
JACK STARTS TO FEEL VERY VERY SICK.
JACK: I can't. I can't.
DIRECTOR: Did I hear him say, he can't? What do you mean, you can't?
JACK: It means I can't, I just can't. That's what it means.
JENNIFER: He has a terrible case of stage fright.
DIRECTOR: Get him on stage. He'll get over it.
JENNIFER: No. You know what, um, it's impossible. He really can't do it. He can't go on.
JENNIFER: I'm sorry, you're just going to have to think of something else.
LUMPY: Does that mean that we win if one of them defaults?
DIRECTOR: Sorry it doesn't work that.... you two, can you fill in?
HE LOOKS STRAIGHT AT VERN AND JO.
JACK: Us.... us? You.... you're asking us?
VERN: Oh sure. Sure we can, yes, we can.
JO: Vern.... Vern!
VERN: Don't worry about it. I was a good actor in high school.
JO: Well I wasn't. Now listen, I understand you're problem but....
DIRECTOR: Well make up your minds.
VERN: Come on, come on Jo. I'll guide you through it.
JO: Well no....
DIRECTOR: Well that's settled then. Let's go out there and put on a show.
THE DIRECTOR SHUFFLES THEM ALL OUT ONTO THE SOUND STAGE.
JACK: Well I guess that's that. Thank you for your support. I'm sorry I couldn't pull through for you.
JENNIFER: That's okay. You want me to pour you some more water?
JACK: No, no, actually what you could do for me is get a little.... some soda, some bubbly could settle my stomach.
JENNIFER: Okay, I'll get you some soda. I'll be right back.
JACK: Thank you.
JENNIFER WALKS OUT. JACK IMMEDIATELY PICKS UP THE PHONE AND CALLS MARCUS.
JACK: Marcus, Yes it's me. Listen I have to come see you. I'm getting worse. (Beat) Look, Dr. Hunter, I need to be re-examined. I'm sick and I'm getting sicker.
MARCUS: Now, now Jack, are you're sure you're not working yourself up over nothing? Maybe you're reacting to an outside stimulus.
JACK: Like what?
MARCUS: Well has anything upset you lately?
JACK: Well no, not unless you consider the prospect of going on national television and bearing your soul, upsetting?
MARCUS:: What, were you doing another Crossfire segment?
JACK: No, no, Jennifer's got me roped into doing this game show, this Ask Dr. Love and we were going to do it until I lost my nerve. Not to mention my lunch.
MARCUS:: Well there you go, it's just stage fright.
JACK: What is this, a conspiracy?
MARCUS: What, Jennifer thinks so too, huh?
JACK: Yes, yes, and you're both dead wrong. Or should I say, just plain wrong. The point is, I'm going to come down and see you.
MARCUS: Jack, I really don't think that's necessary.JACK: Look, it's very.... it's very necessary. You just warm up that stethoscope and I will see you ASAP.
SCENE FIVE: A LITTLE LATER JENNIFER HAS RETURNED.
JENNIFER: Alright Jack it took me a while to get some change together for the soda but here you go. Have some of this right here. Guaranteed to make you feel better.
JACK LOOKS AT THE SODA AND DOES NOT FEEL BETTER. HOWEVER HE DRINKS IT STRAIGHT DOWN.
JACK: Thank you, I'm feeling a little better now.
JENNIFER: Really, you don't look much better. Maybe you're getting that stage fright back.
JACK: How can I get stage fright? I'm not going on stage.
JENNIFER: Yeah but Vern and Jo are going on stage and maybe you're feeling it for them.
JACK: Sympathetic stage fright.
JENNIFER: Well you had sympathetic morning sickness.
JACK: Well actually, maybe I am a little nervous for them. I mean look at Jo. I really can't see her answering those double entendre questions in public.
JENNIFER: Oh Jack, don't worry about Jo. She's going to be just fine.
JACK: Oh, well you obviously haven't seen her get nervous. Turn all colors of red and purple and pink and start doing that little giggle thing she does.
JENNIFER: What little giggle thing? What are you talking about?
JACK: She sounds like Woody Woodpecker after a three day binge.
JENNIFER: Oh come now. I have never heard her do that.
JACK: Well you are very fortunate then. You just wait until Dr. Love gets through with.
THE APPLAUSE STARTS IN THE STUDIO.
JENNIFER: Oh Jack, it's starting up. Let's get comfortable.
JACK: How can we get comfortable watching them make fools of themselves in front of the entire nation? (Beat) Well I suppose there's a lot worse things that can happen.
JENNIFER: Will you stop worrying? Everything is going be okay, now come on.JACK: I hope you're right Jennifer, I really do.
SCENE SIX: THEY BOTH ARE SITTING AND WATCHING THE STUDIO MONITOR AS VERN AND JO PLAY THE GAME.
JENNIFER: Vern and Jo are doing so great. They have been in striking distance and Lumpy and Laurie the whole time.JACK: Give me a break. What makes those two think they could ever even win anything in the big city? I mean with a name like Lumpy, you expect Wally and the Beave to come walking through. Or maybe Larry Mondello and Whitey, or....
JENNIFER: Ssssh. He's about to ask the last question, listen.
VERN AND JO ARE VERY NERVOUS AND JO IS DOING HER WOODY WOODPECKER IMPERSONATION.THE QUESTION IS: IF YOU WERE STRANDED ON A DESERT ISLAND WITH JO, WHAT SPECIAL THING WOULD YOU ASK HER TO DO FOR YOU?
JACK: What, what kind of a disgusting question is that? I mean who wants to know what Jo and Vern are going to do on an island together? I don't want to know. I just trust that they'll have enough common sense and good taste not to answer the question.
JENNIFER: Will you shoosh? It looks like he's going to say something.
JACK: No he's not, he's not.
VERN: Dr. Love, I have one question. Are we to assume that the people who deserted this island left behind a condo or some other dwelling with running water, electricity and all the modern appliances?
DR. LOVE: Well, ah, sure Vern, why not? Anything's possible in the name of Luuuuuv. Okay, you've got your condo.
VERN: Well then I've got my answer. If I was stranded on a desert island with Jo the special thing that I'd like her to do for me is to cook.
VERN: Yeah she makes this great green tuna noodle casserole. I mean it's the most delicious thing you've ever tasted.
THE AUDIENCE BEGINS TO APPLAUD AS VERN AND JO WIN THE GAME.
JENNIFER: They won, they won. I don't believe it.
JACK: Green.... tuna.... noodle.... casserole
JACK LOOKS GREEN AGAIN.VERN AND JO THEN GET TO CHOOSE WHETHER TO TAKE $5000 OR CHOOSE A PRIZE.
DR. LOVE: Just imagine what you can do with those kind of bucks?
JACK: I can imagine, I can imagine. GO FOR THE MONEY, go for the money.
VERN AND JO DECIDE TO TAKE THE PRIZE INSTEAD. THE CURTAIN GOES UP AND THEY ALL HEAR A COW MOO.
JACK: A cow. They traded in $5000 for a cow.
DR. LOVE: Well I'm afraid you got stuck with one of our goofy gifts. I hope you like Limburger cheese because we're sending you home with a year's supply of it.
JACK NOW FEELS REALLY ILL.
JACK: First the green tuna noodles and now the Limburger. I tell you this is a conspiracy.
THE SHOW ENDS AND JO AND VERN ARE ON A HIGH. LUMPY AND LAURIE ARE ANNOYED WITH VERN AND SKIP AWAY TO GO TO ANOTHER AUDITION.
JACK: The American dream, yes.
JENNIFER: You were wonderful, you did great, you did a wonderful job.
JACK: Yes, wonderful.
JO: I'm so excited. I cannot believe, I mean would you dream we'd be the big winner, the big winners.
VERN: And all that Limburger. A year's supply of Limburger. It's a good thing I brought the station wagon.
JO: What about the cow? We get the cow.
JACK: NO, JUST FORGET ABOUT THE COW! Just tell me this, why didn't you just take the money and run?
JO: I cannot.... I cannot believe that you are asking me this Jack.
JACK: You're out of your mind!JO: Well I felt sure.... Vern and I were sure you'd want us to go for the grand prize.
JACK: Five thousand dollars is a lot of money.
VERN: Yeah but twenty thousand is a lot more. We saw the chance to parlay our winnings and we took it.
JACK: And look what happened. You just.... just gave up on all the moolah and went for the moo.
JO: Well now there's no point in crying over spilt mi.... milk.
JO STARTS TO GIGGLE AT HER OWN PUN. JENNIFER THINKS IT IS VERY FUNNY TOO. JACK DOES *NOT*.
JENNIFER: That's right, there isn't. I mean Jack we have to look at it in a positive way. I mean just think we'll never starve with all that cheese.
JACK: We won't have any friends.
JO: Speaking.... speaking of food. When did you ever have my green noodle casserole? VERN: Well Jack mentioned it once and I had to come up with an answer.
JO: Oh.... oh, you know why don't some night you come over and I'll fix it for you.
VERN: Oh, yeah with a little Sinatra, a little candlelight and wine. A little terpsichorial magic, huh. Hey that would be nice Jo but tonight dinner's on me. We're going to Wings and celebrate winning that damn cow.
JENNIFER: Oh that's wonderful. Isn't it.... Jack?
JACK IS SITTING DOWN AGAIN AND LOOKING VERY ILL.
JENNIFER: Jack, what's the matter, are you okay?
JO: Jack, what is it?
JENNIFER: Are you alright?
JO: What is it, are you feeling alright?
JENNIFER: Are you okay Jack. I mean you can't be sick anymore. I mean the game's over and Vern's going to take us to Wings. You can get something to eat. You'll feel a lot better.
JACK: Yeah why don't you all get something to eat. I'll join you later.
JENNIFER: Why, where are you going?
JACK: I just have a.... a pressing engagement.
JENNIFER: Right now?
JACK: Yes right now and it really can't wait.
[Transcribed by Carol Vaughan