SCENE ONE: IT IS THE NEXT DAY AND JENNIFER IS IN HER ROBE AND PAJAMAS SITTING ON ALICE'S SOFA, EATING ICE CREAM STRAIGHT OUT OF THE TUB. SHE IS WATCHING ASK DR. LOVE ON TV.
TV: When do you know it's true love? "A. When fireworks go off." "B. When your heart goes pitty pat." "C. When you live, eat and breath the other person" or "D. All of the above."
JENNIFER: What about E. None of the above? It's all lies. The whole thing is a bunch of lies.
ALICE COMES INTO THE LIVING ROOM AND SEES JENNIFER SITTING THERE EATING.
JENNIFER: True love is a bunch of lies. This Dr. Love is a fraud. This whole thing about love is a fraud grandma.
ALICE: Oh Jennifer. Now that's it.
ALICE TURNS OFF THE TV.
JENNIFER: What are you doing? I was watching that.
ALICE: No you weren't. You were yelling at it. I'm sorry dear but you and I have to have a talk.
JENNIFER: You know what I don't really feel like talking right now grandma.
ALICE: When you arrived here on my doorstep and wanted to stay here for a while, I didn't push. But I can't just sit here and watch you bury your sorrows in ice cream and game shows. Now you just go upstairs, wash your face, comb your hair and get dressed. Then come down and we are going to have a talk.
ALICE TAKES THE ICE CREAM FROM HER.
ALICE: Whether you like it or not.
SCENE TWO: A SHORT TIME LATER JENNIFER COMES BACK DOWN DRESSED.
JENNIFER: Well what did you want to talk about grandma?
ALICE: I should think that would be obvious.
JENNIFER: I guess I never did explain why I'm here, huh.
ALICE: Well Jennifer darling, come on, what's wrong with you and Jack?
JENNIFER: Well, Jack's leaving me.
ALICE: Leaving you? For what?
JENNIFER: For another woman.
ALICE: I.... I find that impossible to believe.
JENNIFER: Why? I mean it's not like she's not attractive in her own tacky way.
ALICE: In who's own tacky way? Who are we talking about?
JENNIFER: Ginger, grandma, Ginger.
ALICE: Ginger? Jack is having an affair with Ginger?
ALICE STARTS TO LAUGH.
JENNIFER: Grandma it's not funny, it's not funny at all.
ALICE: I know darling, I know. I didn't mean to laugh. It's just.... it's just that you have no idea how preposterous that sounds.
JENNIFER: Why, it's not like she's the girl next door. You know she used to be a Las Vegas show girl.
ALICE: Well that doesn't mean she's trying to steal your husband.
JENNIFER: Oh really! Well I have evidence of that.
ALICE: What kind of evidence?
JENNIFER: I found a handkerchief of Jack's with lipstick on it. Ginger's lipstick. And I also saw Ginger kissing him.
ALICE: Ginger kisses everyone. That's how she says hello.
JENNIFER: Oh so that's why Jack offered her a job at The Spectator? So that they could say hello to each other all day?
ALICE: Jack offered her a job and if she takes it that means I've lost a waitress?
JENNIFER: Grandma I can't believe that you are more worried about losing a waitress than me losing my husband.
ALICE: Well I'm not worried about you losing your husband because I think this whole thing is all our of proportion.
JENNIFER: Oh really! Then why don't you read this and maybe it'll change your mind.
JENNIFER HANDS ALICE THE LETTER THAT JACK WROTE TO THE BABY.
ALICE: What is this?JENNIFER: It's the proof that Jack is leaving me for Ginger.
SCENE THREE: BACK AT THE APARTMENT, JACK IS HAVING A MEETING WITH A INSURANCE SALESMAN WHO IS SMOKING AND BLOWING SMOKE ALL OVER JACK.
JACK: Well Mr. Keating, there is no reason your company should insure me. I mean I'm the picture of health. Healthy as (cough, cough) as a horse.
KEATING: You don't sound so healthy.
JACK: Well it's the smoke you know, it's the smoke.
KEATING: Doesn't smoke.
JACK: Ah yeah, I don't smoke. That's a good thing too, isn't it?
KEATING: Don't matter with this company. Heheheheh. So long as your not dying or nothin'.
JACK: Heheheh. Yes.
KEATING: Okay, that's all the questions.
JACK: Really, that's it. Well show me the dotted line I'm supposed to sign on.
KEATING: Ah, first things first.
HE GETS OUT A LARGE SYRINGE.
JACK: Wait, what's that for?
KEATING: Ah you didn't expect us to write a policy without checking you out first, did you?
JACK: Yeah but I just told you that I'm perfectly healthy.
KEATING: No offense but that's what they all say.
HE TAKES JACK'S ARM AND STARTS ROLLING UP HIS SLEEVE.
KEATING: There was this guy once. Now he knew he was on his way out and he tried to get us to write a fat policy so that he could leave his wife and kids set up. It takes all kinds, don't it?
JACK: Yeah, all kinds, yeah.
KEATING: Okay, let me fix this.
HE PLACES A TOURNIQUET AROUND JACK'S ARM.
JACK: You know I've never heard of an insurance salesman who.... who takes blood.
KEATING: Ah I was a medic in the army and they figured they could save money you know. Heheheh. Come on give me that arm.
JACK: Ah, no, no way.
KEATING: Then no policy.
JACK: I need this policy.
KEATING: Then grin and bear it pal. This won't hurt a bit.
SCENE FOUR: JACK IS TRYING TO APPLY FOR INSURANCE FROM WHAT APPEARS TO BE A RATHER SHADY AGENT. WHEN HE TRIED TO TAKE JACK'S BLOOD JACK FREAKED OUT.
JACK: NO, NO!
KEATING: What are you hollering about? I didn't even touch you yet.
JACK: And you're not going to touch me, not with that thing.
KEATING: I thought you said you needed insurance.
JACK: Yeah, not from you. Give me that.
KEATING: What's your problem anyway?
JACK: I tell you what my problem is. Who knows who you really are? I mean who knows where these needles came from?
KEATING: Hey, my needles are clean.
JACK: Yeah, they're clean alright. If they're so clean you can stick them in yourself.
KEATING: Hey, hey...
JACK OPENS THE DOOR AND PUSHES THE GUY OUT. HOWEVER JO IS THERE JUST ABOUT TO KNOCK. JACK DOES NOT EVEN NOTICE HER.
JACK: Just get out of here.
JACK SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT WITH JO OUTSIDE. THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR AND WHEN JACK OPENS IT THE INSURANCE GUY IS TRYING HIS LINES ON JO.
JACK: What? I said....
KEATING: Hey sweetheart, have you considered buying some insurance?
JACK: NOOOOOO! GET OUT!
HE DRAGS JO INSIDE AND SHUTS THE DOOR AGAIN.
JO: Jack I heard you scream. Are you alright?
JACK: No, I'm not alright. I'm worse than ever.
JO: Oh son.
JACK: Oh it's not that. It's not that at all. Not yet anyway. I tried to get some insurance for Jennifer and the baby and this guy shows up.
JO: Jack, have you started smoking? (She sniffs the room)
JACK: No, no, that's from the Bela Lugosi [A pop reference to the most famous Dracula actor] of insurance agents.
JO: The one that just left?
JACK: Yes, yes. He wanted to take my blood and I wasn't about to let him do that. If he took my blood then they'd find out that I was dying.
JO: Oh you really are in a mess aren't you?
JACK: Yeah and to make matters worse Jennifer walked out on me.
JO: She.... she left.... what?
JACK: Yeah she left. She walked out of me. I mean I don't know why either. I just came home and her stuff was gone.
JO: Have you talked to her?
JACK: No. I mean the last thing I remember her saying to me is that she didn't want to see me again in this lifetime.JO: Oh son, this must be awful for you.
JACK: Yes, this is very difficult for me. Yes, it's always hard to pass up a good straight line.
JO: How can you make a joke at a time like this Jack?JACK: Because there's not a hell of a lot of other things that I can do.
SCENE FIVE: BACK AT ALICE'S, JENNIFER IS FOLDING UP THE LETTER.
JENNIFER: I am telling you right now grandma, I will never ever speak to that man again.
ALICE: Jennifer, are you sure that that letter means what you think it does?
JENNIFER: Grandma, what else could it mean? I mean it says right here in black and white that he is not going be around here much longer.
ALICE: Well it would appear that way.
ALICE: But, maybe it doesn't mean that.
JENNIFER: Alright well what about the other evidence that I have?
ALICE: Well darling I think that the other evidence is rather flimsy.
JENNIFER: Grandma, you suspected grandpa of having an affair with Calliope for much less reason.
ALICE: You're right, I did and I was wrong. Just the way you're wrong now.
JENNIFER: It's really not the same thing at all.
ALICE: Well, you're the one who brought it up.
JENNIFER: I know grandma but you never found a letter like this alright.
ALICE: Jennifer, have you talked to Jack about this?
JENNIFER: Yes, I tried.
ALICE: And what he say?
JENNIFER: What do you think he said grandma? He lied. He told me that everything he was doing, he was doing for me and our baby.
ALICE: Well maybe he was.
JENNIFER: How is that?
ALICE: Well I don't know but Jack has very unorthodox ways of doing things.JENNIFER: Grandma there is no excuse. There is no excuse at all. He flaunted his relationship with Ginger in front of my face and then he didn't even have the decency to be honest about it when I asked him, alright. That's why I'm not going to talk to him, and I am not going to forgive him, not now, not ever.
SCENE SIX: JO IS DOWN AT FISHERMAN'S WHARF WHERE SHE BUMPS INTO ALICE WHO HAS ALSO LEFT TO GET AWAY FROM JENNIFER FOR A WHILE.
ALICE: Jo, I was just coming to look for you.
JO: I was just coming to look for you. How's Jennifer?
J O: So's Jack.
ALICE: He is? Then this whole business about the affair is not true.
JO: What.... an affair?
ALICE: Yes, Jennifer thinks that Jack is having an affair with Ginger.
ALICE STARTS TO LAUGH AGAIN.
JO: Well, affair with Ginger? Oh for heaven sakes.
ALICE: I tried to talk to her but she wouldn't listen.
JO: Well, we have got to do something to get these kids back together.
ALICE: Darling, what can we do? She won't even talk to himJO: Well she's just going to have to. There's no other way around it. Come on.
SCENE SEVEN: JO AND ALICE HAVE BROUGHT JENNIFER BACK AT THE APARTMENT, THEY HAVE DEVISED A PLAN TO GET JACK AND JENNIFER BACK TOGETHER.
JENNIFER: Jo, are you sure that this couldn't wait?
JO: Oh Jennifer, now you know how very important my casserole is to me.
JENNIFER: Well actually I didn't realize it was that important.
ALICE: Darling how can she cook her famous green noodle casserole without her casserole?
JENNIFER: I don't know but I could just leave you the key and....
JO: Oh, no, no, no. I would just never ever think about going into some one else's apartment without them being there, no.
JENNIFER: Are you sure that Jack's not here?
JO: Oh I'm positive. Now you go on and open the door. Please.
JENNIFER: Alright, as long as he's not here because I don't want to see him.
SHE OPENS THE DOOR AND JO AND ALICE STAY OUTSIDE.
JENNIFER: Aren't you going to come in?
JO: Oh no.
ALICE: Well.... what if Jack should come along? We're the lookout.
JENNIFER: Okay, alright, I'll be one second.
SHE WALKS TO THE KITCHEN BUT LEAVES THE DOOR OPEN. AS SOON AS SHE IS INSIDE, JACK COMES OUT OF THE BEDROOM SURPRISED TO SEE HER.
JACK: Jennifer, what are you doing here?
JENNIFER: What...what are you doing here? Wait a minute, grandma, Jo....
JO AND ALICE IMMEDIATELY SHUT THE DOOR.
JACK: What am I doing.... I live here. So do you. What's going on?
JENNIFER: Okay I get it, I get it. You have now stooped to an all time low, alright. You are using my grandmother and your mother.
JACK: No, no, I am not using anyone. I don't know what is going on here.
JENNIFER: Just admit it. I know what you're up to, alright.
JACK: I'm glad someone knows because I sure as hell don't.
JENNIFER: Just stop this whole act. You're in it together.
JACK: I'm in what together?
JENNIFER: This transparent scheme to try to patch things up between me and you.
JACK: I don't know about any scheme but if you're ready to come back to me, I'm more than....
JENNIFER: Ready to come back to what? Come back to something that doesn't even exist? What are you talking about?
JACK: What do you mean, doesn't exist? I'm here, you're here, what....
JENNIFER: No Jack, it's over. Our marriage, everything, it's over.
JENNIFER SITS RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE TV, TRYING TO DROWN OUT JACK, IT IS OBVIOUS SHE IS NOT INTERESTED IN IT, BECAUSE IT IS A SHOW ABOUT CROSS DRESSING DOGS. JACK CANNOT BELIEVE THAT SHE IS WATCHING JUNK LIKE THAT.
JACK: Don't ignore me. Alright. Jennifer would you listen to me. I can't believe that you're watching this stuff right now. I can't. It's junk.
JENNIFER: You print worse in The Spectator every day.
JACK: Oh my goodness it talks. It was listening to me. That validates my existence. This is good, it's a st....
JENNIFER: Will you please be quiet? I'm trying to hear the show.
JACK: The show. You're calling this.... I can't believe you're watching this junk.
JENNIFER: I like it.
JACK: You like it?
JENNIFER: Better than you. In fact I would like day old liver better than you right now Jack.
JACK: Alright, alright, I accept that. I'm sorry for whatever it is you think I did. Now we're talking. Please tell me about it.
JENNIFER: Oh stop it.
JACK: Stop what?
JENNIFER: Would you stop lying, alright? Don't you understand, don't you understand what I'm talking about Jack? I know.
JACK: You know what?
JENNIFER: I know alright. I saw it. I saw it all written down in black and white.
JACK: Wh.... you.... you did?
JACK: Okay, okay, then.... then you do know. You know, you know all about it.
JENNIFER: Yes, how could you do it? How could you leave me for Ginger?
JENNIFER GOES INTO THE BEDROOM.
SCENE EIGHT: A SHORT TIME LATER, JENNIFER EMERGES FROM THE BEDROOM WITH MORE CLOTHES.
JACK: Look we've been through this already. I am not having an affair with Ginger.
JENNIFER: I am not just talking about an affair. I am talking about something much much worse.
JACK: What, giving her a job?
JENNIFER: Oh that's a good one. Could you come up with a new one? You've used that one about a hundred times Jack.
JACK: Hey how about this? I'm telling you the truth.
JENNIFER: You know I could accept it if you're having an affair but to leave me, to leave me and our baby.
JACK: What are you talking about? You left me.
JENNIFER: That's because I wouldn't give you the satisfaction of leaving me first.
JACK: Wait a minute, this is confusing, even for me.
JENNIFER: That blithering idiot routine is not going to work this time Jack.JACK: This is not a routine.
JACK (CONT.): I mean this is.... what I mean.... this is confusing because I don't know what the hell's going on. That's what I mean.
JENNIFER: What about the letter?
JACK: What letter?
JENNIFER: The letter to baby.
JACK: What, the.... that.... you saw that?
JENNIFER: What? You're not even denying that you wrote it.
JACK: No, I'm not. Yes.... yes I wrote it and no I'm not denying it.
JENNIFER: I can't believe that you would try to butter me up by calling me baby.
JACK: Now wait a minute, it's not to you Baby. It's to the.... it's to the baby baby.
JENNIFER: That is even more despicable Jack.
JACK: Wait, what is wrong with writing a letter to the baby?
JENNIFER: That you would try to explain your cheating on me to our baby.
JACK: That's not what it is about.
JENNIFER: I read that letter.
JACK: Well you don't know what it's about, I tell you that.
JENNIFER: Yes I do. I saw it right there in black and white. It said that you're not going to be around much longer.
JACK: That's right. I will not be around much longer but it's not because I'm having an affair.
JENNIFER: I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear it anymore, alright.
SHE WALKS TO THE DOOR. EVEN MORE HURT AND DISGUSTED.
JACK: Jennifer listen, you have to listen. You have to listen to me.
JENNIFER: I will not listen to you. I am not going to listen to anymore of your lies.
HE GRABS HER ARM.
JACK: It is not a lie. Listen the reason that I wrote a letter to our baby is because I.... I won't be around to tell it that I am dying.
[Transcribed by Carol Vaughan