oldEpisode Four-hundred-forty: "Mr.
and Mrs. Darth Vader": Jack Has a
Fantasy. Later Jack and Jennifer
Practice Lamaze over the Phone

---

[Air date late September 1992]

 

SCENE ONE: A FEW DAYS LATER AND JACK IS ALONE AT THE BAR AT WINGS. IT IS NEAR CLOSING TIME AND HE IS VERY LONELY WHEN DAVE TELLS HIM THE JENNIFER IS ON THE PHONE.

 

JACK: I didn't expect you to call.

JENNIFER: I just called to talk to you and make sure you're all right.

JACK: I'm fine. I miss you.

JENNIFER: I miss you too. And you know what Jack?

JACK: What?

JENNIFER: As soon as I get home, let's go for a special dinner at Wings, okay. Just the two of us.

JACK: Good, that sounds good.

JENNIFER: You know what, I really hate to rush and cut this short but they're going to need me back on the set and I should really go.

JACK: Sure, sure, you go right ahead.

JENNIFER: It's nice to hear your voice. I love you.

JACK: Love you too.

 

JACK HANGS UP. HE IS REALLY REALLY MISSING HER.

SCENE TWO: LATER JACK IS STILL AT THE BAR, SITTING ALONE.

 

DAVE: It's closing time Mr. Deveraux.

JACK: Yes, yes, I'm aware of that. I wonder if it would be all right if I just.... stayed here for a while.

DAVE: Oh okay. Just as long as you flip the lock as you go out the door.

JACK: I certainly will.

DAVE: Okay, I'm going to catch the lights.

JACK: You do that.

 

THE LIGHTS GO OUT AND JACK IS IN ALMOST TOTAL DARKNESS. HE BEGINS TO WANDER AROUND AND ENDS UP ON THE STAGE. HE PICKS UP THE MICROPHONE FOR A SECOND THEN SITS AT THE PIANO AND STARTS TO HIT THE KEYS WITH TWO FINGERS. THE TUNE HE PLAYS IS WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL!. THE MUSIC BEGINS TO PLAY AS HE DAYDREAMS.

Sometimes we walk hand in hand by the sea,
And we breathe in the cold salty air.
You turn to me with a kiss in your eyes,
And my heart feels a thrill beyond compare.
When your lips cling to mine, It's wonderful, wonderful.
Oh so wonderful my love.

JACK LOOKS UP AND THE ROOM IS FILLED WITH CANDLES AND HE IS WEARING TAILS OVER A SNOW WHITE DINNER SHIRT. HE LOOKS ACROSS THE ROOM AND JENNIFER IS THERE IN A BEAUTIFUL WHITE LACE DRESS. HIS FACE IS FULL OF LOVE AS SHE WALKS SLOWLY TOWARDS HIM. SHE IS NOT PREGNANT.

Sometimes we stand on the top of a hill,
And we gaze at the earth and the sky.
I turn to you and you melt in my arms.
There we are darling, only you and I.

HE KISSES HER PASSIONATELY.

What a moment to share, It's wonderful, wonderful.
Oh so wonderful, my love.

THEY BEGIN A ROMANTIC DANCE WHILE THEY GAZE IN EACH OTHER'S EYES.

The world is full of wondrous things, it's true,
But they wouldn't have much meaning without you.
Some quiet evening I sit by your side,
And we're lost in a world of our own.

JACK LOOKS DOWN AT JENNIFER'S FIGURE AND SMILES. ACROSS THE ROOM COMES A NANNY PUSHING A BABY CARRIAGE COVERED IN WHITE LACE.

SHE PUTS THE BABY CARRIAGE NEXT TO THEM AND LEAVES.

I feel the glow of your unspoken love.
I'm aware of the treasure that I own.

JENNIFER WALKS OVER TO THE BABY CARRIAGE AND PICKS UP THE BABY.

And I say to myself, It's wonderful, wonderful.
Oh so wonderful my love.

SHE WALKS OVER TO JACK.

 

JENNIFER: Our baby Jack.

 

HE GENTLY STROKES THE BABY.

JACK: Our baby?

JENNIFER: Hmm.

JACK: Ah, well tell me, is it.... a boy.... or a girl?

 

SHE LOOKS UP INTO HIS EYES THEN WHISPERS IN HIS EAR.

SHE GIGGLES. HE LOOKS VERY HAPPY.

JACK: Well, I must say this must be the.... happiest day of my life.

SHE RESTS HER HEAD AGAINST THE BABY'S AND JACK KISSES HER FOREHEAD AND THEN KISS THE BABY'S FINGERS. HE LOOKS TRULY AMAZED AND HAPPY.

JACK SLOWLY COMES BACK TO REALITY AND FINDS HIMSELF STILL ALONE IN THE DARK AT WINGS. HE WANDERS SLOWLY OUT WITH A LONG BACKWARD GLANCE.

SCENE THREE: IN NEW YORK, JENNIFER IS ALSO THINKING ABOUT JACK.

 

JENNIFER: Well it won't be long now Jack.

 

SCENE ONE: BAG OF SHOPPING. HE COMES IN THE DOOR AND SEE THERE IS A MESSAGE. IT IS FROM JENNIFER.

 

JENNIFER: Hi Jack it's me. I guess I missed you. I'm going to be working all day so I probably won't get a chance to call you again.

 

JACK SIGHS AS HE UNPACKS HIS SHOPPING WHICH CONSISTS OF A SIX PACK OF BEER AND A BOTTLE OF JACK DANIELS.

 

JENNIFER (CONT.): But I love you and I'm thinking about you and maybe we can talk tomorrow. Bye, bye.

 

JACK PAUSES AND THINKS ABOUT WHAT SHE SAID ON THE MESSAGE. HE LOOKS DOWN AT THE BOURBON.

 

JACK: "Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, creeps at this petty pace."

SCENE TWO: BACK IN NEW YORK, CALLIOPE AND JENNIFER BEGIN TAPING. IT IS A SHOW ABOUT HOMELESS DOGS. JACK SITS IN THE LONELY APARTMENT WITH A DRINK IN HIS HAND WATCHING THE SHOW. JENNIFER IS TRYING TO GET HOMES FOR THESE PUPPIES; JACK CALLS THE NUMBER DISPLAYED ON THE SCREEN.

 

JENNIFER: Hello, hello, you're on Talk to Me.

JACK: Hello, can you hear me?

JENNIFER: Yes we can hear you.

 

JACK SMILES. HE IS A BIT TIPSY.

 

JACK: I.... I just want to say I like what I see on your show very much and I want to adopt little Axlehead.... rod.... rod. I'm calling from Salem and the name is Deveraux.

JENNIFER: Jack! Calliope, it's Jack.

CALLIOPE: Hi Jack. (To Jennifer, Speaking in Pig Latin) Exmay on the amilyfay.

JACK: Hello. I.... I like that puppy Jennifer but I have to be honest, I like you even more.

 

JENNIFER LAUGHS.

 

JACK: I wanted to call and see how you were feeling.

JENNIFER: Well Jack I'm great. I'm doing just great. Um, are you sure you want us to adopt a dog?

JACK: Adopt a do.... ah.... ah, absolutely, absolutely.

JENNIFER: I know honey, but what about our landlord? I mean what would he say?

JACK: Oh, don't worry about that.

CALLIOPE: OKAAAAY, Mr. Deveraux. I'm going to transfer you to one of our staff and they'll make the proper arrangements for you. I can't wait to see how you and Axlerod get along.

JACK: Neither can I. Well take care Jennifer. I.... I'll talk to you soon and goodbye Calliope.

JENNIFER: I'm sorry. That was my husband on the phone and he's calling from Salem.

CALLIOPE: Don't be sorry. Be glad you have one.

 

THE SHOW CONTINUES WITH THEM SHOWING MORE DOGS AVAILABLE FOR ADOPTION.

SCENE THREE: LATER IN THE DAY, JACK IS AT THE HOSPITAL READING BOOKS ON CHILDBIRTH. HE IS PULLING A FACE AND PRACTICING BREATHING TECHNIQUES AS HE READS.

 

JACK: Aaaaah, no.

ALICE: Jack?

JACK: Yes.

ALICE: Are you having trouble with the altitude here on the third floor?

JACK: No, no, I was just getting these Lamaze books for Jennifer and I was trying the ins and outs of the various breathing techniques.

ALICE: Oh good.

JACK: Yes, I kind of wonder that women actually go through all of this.

ALICE: Well luckily these days they have their husbands to help them. Did you see Jennifer's show today?

JACK: Yes, actually I did. I did. (Beat) And I even have a dog to prove it.

ALICE: What dog?

JACK: The dog. It was a show on puppy adoption. I am sorry. I just happened to call Jennifer and one thing led to another and the next thing I know I had a dog. Now I have to figure out a way to get rid of it.

ALICE: Jack!

JACK: Don't worry about the dog. The dog will be just fine. It'll probably find a home long before I do. In any event you'd understand if you saw the show. I mean it was all Calliope's doing, I'm sure.

ALICE: Ah, Calliope. I miss her.

JACK: Yes.

ALICE: Most of all, I miss Jennifer. When will she be home?

JACK: Well she'll be home in no time at all and when she does you and the good doctor will be great grandparents yet again.

ALICE: I can hardly wait.

JACK: Yes, well I can hardly wait to get back home. I need to call Jennifer and see how she's doing.

 

ALICE GIVES JACK A HUG WHICH MAKES JACK FEEL AWKWARD.

 

JACK: Yes.... and show her how to do this.

 

HE FLICKS THROUGH THE CHILDBIRTH BOOK.

 

ALICE: Yes and say hello to her for me.

 

JACK BACKS INTO THE ELEVATOR AS HE IS PRACTICING BREATHING LESSONS AGAIN. A DOCTOR AND ANOTHER WOMAN EXIT THE ELEVATOR AND LOOK AT HIM, WHICH EMBARRASSES JACK AND HE STOPS WHAT HE IS DOING. THE ELEVATOR DOOR CLOSES. AND ALICE LAUGHS.

SCENE FOUR: A SHORT TIME LATER, JACK IS OUTSIDE THE APARTMENT DOOR, JUST AS THE PHONE RINGS.

 

JACK: Dammit. (Beat) Hello, hello.

JENNIFER: Hi, I was about to give up on you.

JACK: I was outside the door and key couldn't.... I couldn't get the key.... I couldn't.... forget about that. How are you?

JENNIFER: I'm fine. Actually I had a few minutes so I thought I'd try to reach you again.

JACK: Good, I'm glad you did. Ah.... listen, was, um, was Calliope Jones a little upset about me calling on air this morning?

JENNIFER: No Jack, of course not. Actually she thought you were very cute.

JACK: (Beat) Cute? (Beat) Well.... good. You know I was just at the hospital and I was picking up some books on.... ah.... on, ah.... on labor and birth and the....

JENNIFER: Lamaze?

JACK: Lamaze, yes, that's what I mean.

JENNIFER: You know what Jack, I have one too and I've been trying to practice but it's really hard without a partner you know.

JACK: You know what? I was just thinking you could start practicing right now over the phone.

JENNIFER: What?

JACK: Just.... just listen to me and you'll get it right, all right?

JENNIFER: All right.

JACK: Okay here it goes.

 

JACK BEGINS HEAVY BREATHING OVER THE PHONE. HE BLOWS AND PANTS.

 

JENNIFER: Okay that sounds good. Now let me see if I can do with you, okay.

 

SHE DOES SOME BREATHING ON HER OWN AND JACK JOINS IN.

JACK: Yes, synchronized breathing, yes.

JENNIFER: You know if anybody was listening in, they'd think this was an obscene phone call.

JACK: Between Mr. and Mrs. Darth Vader, right. Listen, excuse me, I need to sit down. This heavy breathing is giving me a light head.

JENNIFER: Yes. You know I can't wait until we're together so we can do this the way it's supposed to be done.

JACK: Yes, yes, it won't be long. Ah, you know about the show. It was.... rather interesting this morning.

JENNIFER: Yes I gathered. Do you really that think we should adopt Axlerod?

JACK: No. I meant to talk to you about that.

JENNIFER: Yeah.

JACK: I meant, look.... you can't have a dog. You need to have a house first with a backyard that you can kick the dog out into when it's been bad.

JENNIFER: Okay, all right Jack. Well maybe someday right. And you know, I hate to cut you short but I really have to get going.

JACK: Well.... be careful all right. Listen you be careful in New York.

JENNIFER: Jack, New York makes you be careful. (Kidding Jack she screams) AAAAAARGH!

JACK: WHAT.... WHAT?

JENNIFER: (Laughing) I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding.

JACK: OH!

JENNIFER: Really, I do have to go though, okay.

JACK: All right. And another thing I.... I don't think I've told you.

JENNIFER: Yeah?

JACK: You're looking very good on the show lately.

JENNIFER: I think I look like the whale who swallowed Jonah.

JACK: Well Jonah really can't complain, can he? Anyway I like whales.

JENNIFER: Oh thank you. Thank you very much. I gotta go.

JACK: Another thing.... I love you.

JENNIFER: I love you too Jack.

JACK: That's good because you know I've been thinking....

JENNIFER: You know Jack, I've got to go. I've....

JACK: No, I've been thinking.

JENNIFER: I've got to hang up.

 

JACK IS LONELY AND DOES NOT WANT TO HANG UP

 

JACK: I think your show should have me on as a guest. You know one of those people who come on....

JENNIFER: Jack I'm going to have to hang up, all right.

JACK: .... and be an expert on journalism.

JENNIFER: Jack, I love you. Goodbye. I love you. Goodbye.

JACK: No, I think I should be on your sho....

 

JENNIFER HANGS UP. JACK IS HALF SAD.

 

JACK: Goodbye.

 

HE GIVES A LITTLE SMILE.