oldEpisode Five-hundred-eight: Jack
SCENE ONE: THE FIRST SCENES OF THIS SHOW WERE A REPEAT OF JENNIFER'S DAYDREAM WITH JACK WHEN ACTUALLY SHE WAS DANCING WITH AUSTIN.
SCENE TWO: DOWN AT COMPTON ENTERPRISES, JACK AND BILLIE ARE LOOKING AROUND.
JACK: So this is the cosmetic company you won in the poker game.
THEY BOTH LOOK AROUND AND IT'S JUST A ROOM FULL OF OLD BOXES, A SINK AND MIXTURE OF CHEMICALS BUBBLING ON A BUNSON BURNER.
BILLIE: What a dump.
JACK: My thought precisely.
BILLIE: I can't believe it. I can't believe that guy gave me the deed to this dump and I took it.
JACK: Well you took it and you knew you were taking it. At least you know it. Unfortunately you didn't see it coming.
BILLIE: You're so smug, you know that?
JACK: I'm sorry. I've just had my share of disappointments.
BILLIE: Oh man, I mean when is it going to change Jack? When am I finally going to get something good, you know, something great?
SUDDENLY A PILE OF EMPTY BOXES FALL ALL OVER THEM AND VERY NERDY LOOKING GUY STANDS UP HOLDING TWO BUBBLING VIALS OF CHEMICALS.
SCENE THREE: BACK AT AUSTIN'S APARTMENT, JENNIFER TELLS AUSTIN THAT SHE DOES NOT WANT TO DO A DANCING SEGMENT ON THE SHOW.
SCENE FOUR: AT THE COSMETIC COMPANY, JACK AND BILLIE ARE SURPRISED.
BILLIE: Who are you?
CHEMIST: Who are you?
JACK: What's that smell?
BILLIE: I happen to own this dump. That's who I am.
CHEMIST: Dump? This is not a dump. This is my laboratory. It is not a dump.
JACK PICKS UP A SMALL VIAL.
CHEMIST: Hey, hey, hey, put that down.
JACK: I'm sorry. So sorry.
CHEMIST: What do you people want? Look my work is very highly confidential.
BILLIE: Well what is it that you are doing?
CHEMIST: Who wants to know? Hey listen if you're out here to try and get my formulas well you're just going to have to kill me first.
JACK: Kill you? That's a bit excessive but I'm sure we're not above it.
BILLIE: We're not out here to steal your stuff. We're not, believe me. I happen to own this dump. Here I'll show you.
THE CHEMIST LOOKS AT THE NOTE.
CHEMIST: Oh dear.
JACK: Congratulations Billie. You not only won this business but you won this gentleman as well, as a booby prize. All right, we'll start selling off everything starting down here and try and make a little bit of money.
CHEMIST: Hey, hey, hey. Listen I told you to stay away from my stuff and you can't get rid of any of this because it belongs to me.
BILLIE: Don't worry, we're not going to take anything, are we?
JACK: I just stubbed my toe on a.... OOOOOHHHHH!
JACK: I just.... I just threw out my back.
BILLIE: Oh Jack.
JACK: I threw out my back.
CHEMIST: He's very out of shape. I suggest you trade him on for a new one.
BILLIE: Who are you anyway and what are you doing? I want to know what all this stuff is.
CHEMIST: My name is Charles Van Deeter. How do you do?
BILLIE: I'm fine thank you. How are you?
CHEMIST: I'm fine.
BILLIE: Well what is all this? What are you doing?
CHEMIST: Uh, you first.
JACK: All right, Mr. Van Peeter.... Deeter. Billie show him.... show it to him again. Perhaps you'll recognize the signature this time as your former boss and owner and you'll realize that you were sold up the river for a bad hand of poker. Now please, study it carefully.
THE CHEMIST LOOKS AT THE NOTE BILLIE HAS.
CHEMIST: Oh yes. You must be the new owners of the business. I guess that means you're my new partners.
JACK: Partners? No, no, no. Don't make that correlation please my friend.
BILLIE: Wait a minute Jack. Don't be hasty here. What if we are your partners?
CHEMIST: Well that means I have something for you. Money stuff. Don't go away.
HE RUSHES OUT TO GET SOMETHING.
BILLIE: Money stuff, money stuff. Jack listen to that. Money stuff.JACK: Well perhaps I was wrong.
SCENE SIX: A SHORT TIME LATER, THE CHEMIST RETURNS WITH A PILE OF PAPERS.
CHEMIST: Here you are.
BILLIE: These are bills.
JACK: A pile of bills.
CHEMIST: You are correct.
BILLIE: There are lots of bills, look. Light bills, phone bills and just bill bills.
JACK: Excuse me, what is this supposed to mean?
CHEMIST: Well you're my new partners. This is your part of the partnership.
JACK: Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, and no. Nothing to do with us or nothing to do with me. You see this is the partner. Singular, partner.
BILLIE: Well I'm sorry. I can't pay these bills.
CHEMIST: You can't?
BILLIE: No I can't.
CHEMIST: And the electric company is about to cut me off. I don't know what I'm going to do is that happens. I can't carry on my work without electricity.
HE WALKS AWAY.
JACK: All right, it's obvious he's a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic. We better get out before he loses it.
CHEMIST: You know I'd really hate to pull the plug especially when I'm on the brink of something monumental. Something would change the cosmetics industry.
JACK: Billie let's go.
BILLIE: What did you say?
JACK: I said, Billie let's go.
BILLIE: No, not you, Charlie. What did you just say about revolutionizing the cosmetics industry?
CHEMIST: Oh listen I have more than one product in use and in testing. Now this here, this is wrinkle cream and it makes the wrinkles completely vanish and this. It's a mosquito repellent but it's also a tanning lotion. It will sell like hot cakes down south.
BILLIE: Really. This makes wrinkles go away completely. Gone for good.
BILLIE: And it really works?
BILLIE: Jack, this could be something huge. I mean we could make a lot of money off this.
JACK: A lot of money, where?
BILLIE: Yes. I mean this takes wrinkles away. Completely away. This could be such a huge thing. I can't believe it. It's so exciting.
JACK UNSCREWS THE LID AND SMELLS THE CREAM THEN PULLS A FACE.
JACK: There's a huge smell coming from it. I know that.
BILLIE: Wait I want to smell it. AAARGH, Chuck, it stinks.
CHEMIST: Yeah I know. I haven't been able to remove the odor yet but I'm working on it.
BILLIE: Well what about these other things? Are there little problems with all of them?
CHEMIST: Well yes but I'm working night and day to try and solve them and they are solvable.
JACK: Like I said before, you're all on your own, partner.
JACK IS HOLDING HIS BACK.
JACK: If you don't leave right now I'm going to leave you here with this.... gentleman.
BILLIE: Fine, leave.
JACK: Oka.... aaargh. It's just my luck. I finally get injured on the job and the only one I can sue is you.
BILLIE IS COMPLETELY IGNORING JACK. THE CHEMIST TELLS BILLIE TO TAKE ALL THE SAMPLES HOME. HE LOOKS CLOSELY AT HER FACE.
CHEMIST: Of course you're very young and don't have many wrinkles but I'm sure you can find someone who does.
THEY BOTH LOOK AT JACK.
JACK: Hey, thank you but no.
BILLIE DECIDES WHAT CREAMS TO TAKE AND THE CHEMIST SAYS HE DOES NOT MIND BECAUSE SHE IS PAYING FOR IT.
JACK: Eheheh, I think that's our cue to go. Billie, please let's go, please.
BILLIE: Thanks for the tour.
CHEMIST: Oh you're welcome. Hey come back anytime.
JACK: Don't call us. We'll call you. Are you actually going to use that on your face?
BILLIE: Yes I just might do that.
JACK: Then your face just might fall off. Let's just look at this as a whole write-off. It's a loss. Just forget the whole thing.
BILLIE: No Jack, I can't. I have to do something with this. This could be something really big. I have to do something.
JACK: Well.... maybe we could just sell the scrap metal and make a little profit.BILLIE: UH!
SCENE SEVEN: MEANWHILE JENNIFER IS AT THE HOSPITAL SEEING ALICE AND SHE TELLS HER ABOUT THE TANGO DREAM SHE HAD. SHE SAYS THAT SHE KNOWS JACK LOVES HER BUT THEY USED TO TANGO.
SCENE EIGHT: AT THE COSMETIC COMPANY, JACK IS TIRED AND BORED.
JACK: Billie, what are we still doing here?
BILLIE: Maybe if I hang around long enough I can figure out what to do with you all this you know. I mean cosmetics is a huge industry, huge, and you if you have a great product and a really sexy campaign you can make a fortune Jack, a fortune.
JACK: Sex and business, hmmm.
BILLIE: For your information, cosmetics sell sex. But how would you know about that because you're completely sexless.
JACK: That's an interesting choice of words coming from someone like you who doesn't know the first thing about me when the sun goes down.
BILLIE: Oh, yeah, I bet. Look at you. You're stuffy. You're stiff. Not a sexy bone in your body. And look at your wife, how beautiful she is. I don't get that.
JACK: I don't think you have to. My wife understands.
BILLIE: You guys act like brother and sister. I mean where's the romance?
JACK: An interesting choice of words from you. Especially you. Not to worry. My wife and I do just fine. BILLIE: Heheheh. Yeah I bet.
JACK: I think this conversation's just come to an end.
HE WALKS OUT THE DOOR.
SCENE NINE:JENNIFER RETURNS HOME AND WALKS IN THE DOOR AND THE ROOM IS DARK WITH A FEW DISCREET CANDLES GIVING A SOFT GLOW. JACK COMES DOWNSTAIRS WEARING JUST A ROBE.
JENNIFER: What's all this?
JACK: This is an apology for this morning. Do you accept?
JENNIFER: Yes of course I do. You don't even know how much I wanted this and how much I needed this.
JACK: Well I figured the child's at Jo's. We should take advantage.
JENNIFER: I like the way you think.
THEY KISS EACH OTHER.
JENNIFER: This is so perfect. It's really perfect.
SHE WIPES THE LIPSTICK OFF HIS LIPS WITH HER FINGER.
JACK: Oh almost, but not quite.
JACK: Well you're not really dressed for the occasion.
HE GENTLY REMOVES HER COAT.
JACK: If you go upstairs you will notice that I have picked up something for you today. I have laid it out for you on the bed.
JACK: Just go. (Beat) You will also find that there will be no phone calls.
HE TAKES THE PHONE OFF THE HOOK.
JACK: There will be no talk of work and no talk of our daily problems. Tonight is just for us.
JENNIFER: Like I said, this is absolutely perfect.
JACK: It will be even more perfect when you go upstairs and get yourself ready. Let me pour the champagne.
JENNIFER: Okay I will be right back. I will hurry. Don't move.
SHE RUNS UPSTAIRS AND JACK OPENS THE CHAMPAGNE.
JACK: Yes, it will be perfect.
SCENE TEN: A SHORT TIME LATER, SHE COMES BACK DOWNSTAIRS DRESSED IN A WHITE CHIFFON AND LACE NEGLIGEE. HE TAKES HER IN HIS ARMS AND THEY BEGIN TO DANCE TO A SLOW JAZZ WALTZ.
JENNIFER: Jack, do we have any tango music?
JACK: Tango music, why?
JENNIFER: You know I was thinking about all the things we used to do. Remember when we were on the cruise ship and we learned how to tango?
JACK: I remember that once, yes.
JENNIFER: That took my breath away.
JACK: It did?
JENNIFER: Yes it did. Just like right now.
JACK: Well then perhaps we can set aside a little time for tangoing later.
JACK: Yes and in the meantime....
HE BENDS OVER AND PICKS HER UP.
JACK: In the meantime....
JENNIFER: In the meantime....
HE JUST REACHES THE STAIRS WHEN HE STOPS.
JACK: Yes in the meantime.... OOOOOH!
HE GENTLY PUTS HER DOWN.
JENNIFER: Jack, what?
JENNIFER: What? What's wrong? What is it?
JACK: It's my back. It just went out.
JACK: It just went out again. Dammit, it just went out again. Dammit.