SCENE ONE: JACK AND JENNIFER HAVE LEFT ON THEIR HONEYMOON IN HOLLYWOOD. THEY HAVE ARRIVED AT THEIR HOTEL AND JACK IS UPSET.
JACK: The guy talked me into renting the most expensive car on the lot with an answering machine to a phone I'll probably never even use and the top doesn't go down.
JACK: You know this state probably has a requirement that you have to drive around with your top down. We'll probably get arrested. We'll get arrested because....because we have a top over our heads, you know.
JENNIFER: We managed to get the top down, didn't we Jack?
JACK: Yeah by hand. I mean this is Hollywood, nobody does menial labor anymore.
JENNIFER: Alright, alright, you can complain all you want Jack but I think that everything is wonderful.
JACK: When don't you think everything is wonderful?
JENNIFER: We have a nice hotel, don't we?
JACK: Well it's....I don't know. The lobby seems nice.
JENNIFER HOLDS UP THE KEY TO THEIR ROOM.
JENNIFER: I bet you the room's even nicer.
JACK: Well I'll just see about getting this stuff up. You just go right ahead.
SHE KISSES HIM.
JENNIFER: I'll meet you upstairs.
JENNIFER WALKS OFF TO THE ELEVATOR.
NOBODY COMES NEAR JACK AND HE IS COMPLETELY IGNORED. HE SIGHS AND PICKS UP ALL THEIR LUGGAGE AND STRUGGLES TO THE ELEVATOR.
JACK: I hate menial labor.
SCENE TWO: A SHORT TIME LATER, JACK IS IN HIS PAJAMAS AND ROBE. HE'S READING A MAP OF THE STAR'S HOMES WHICH HE THROWS ON THE BED.
JENNIFER: Jack, I'll be out in a second. I'm almost ready.
HEARING JENNIFER, HE RUNS OVER AND HOPS INTO BED.
JACK: Oh that's good, good, good, good, good. I am.
JENNIFER COMES OUT OF THE BATHROOM.
JENNIFER: Okay I was thinking we could go to the wax museum first. Then right down the street is the Chinese....
SHE LOOKS AT JACK SITTING UP IN BED FROWNING.
JENNIFER: .....Theater. (Beat) Jack I thought we were supposed to be going sightseeing. What are you doing in bed?
JACK: What am I doing bed? I'm....ah....I'm in bed because I'm not feeling too well. You know it's the....the water.
JENNIFER: The water?
JACK: Yes, yes. All those little micro organisms don't really agree with the system.
JENNIFER: Well that's really strange. It hasn't affected me at all. Let me see. Do you have a fever or anything?
SHE WALKS OVER AND SITS ON THE BED TO FEEL HIS FOREHEAD.
JACK: I do. I mean I really...I actually....I really do.
SHE PUTS HER HAND ON HIS FOREHEAD AND HE PUTS HIS HAND OVER HERS AND ATTEMPTS TO LOOK SICK. SHE COMPARES HER FOREHEAD TO HIS.
JENNIFER: Well you don't feel any warmer than I do.
JACK: Ah, well why don't you....I think you should just stay here for a little bit and you know, just see for sure.
JENNIFER: Well I don't know Jack. I mean I feel perfectly fine.
JACK: Well that's for now because the jet lag hasn't set in yet. You see, when the jet lag sets in you'll know.
JENNIFER: Oh the jet lag. I thought we were talking about little creatures in the water Jack. What are you up to?
JACK: I'm not up to anything.
HE MANAGES TO LOOK VAGUELY SINCERE.
JENNIFER: Then why did you lure me back into the bed in the middle of the day?
JACK: I did....I....ah....let me tell you something. You know, you don't....you may know a lot of things but you....ah....you still don't know everything about being....being a honeymooner.
JENNIFER: Oh I don't?
JACK: That's right.
SHE BENDS OVER AND KISSES HIM.
JACK: You don't.
JENNIFER: Well I'm not worried because I have an excellent teacher.
JACK: Now the first thing to be taught is to come to class prepared.
HE BENDS OVER AND PICKS UP TWO GLASSES OF CHAMPAGNE.
JACK: That's exactly what's been done. You know because obviously you can't drink the water.
THEY CLINK GLASSES THEN KISS.JACK: So you can forget about the tour of the stars' homes.
JENNIFER: The stars' homes! Jack you didn't tell me we were going to go see the stars' homes. (Beat) I'm just kidding. This is all a joke.
JACK: A joke, good.
SHE KISSES HIM AGAIN AND THEY SLIDE DOWN IN THE BED.
SCENE THREE: IT IS A WHILE LATER AND THEY ARE BOTH STILL IN BED BUT NOW SHE IS WEARING HIS PAJAMAS AND HE ONLY HAS HIS ROBE ON. HE KISSES HER GENTLY AS THEY DOZE. THEY ARE BOTH SLEEPY AND HAVE THEIR EYES SHUT.
JACK: Alright, so now what?
JENNIFER: Now what?
JACK: Huh, uh.
JENNIFER: Nothing, I kind of like what we're doing right now.
JACK: That's good. That's good, I just thought we could just kind of stay in and watch TV and....
JENNIFER: Oh, no, no, no. I want to go sightseeing Jack. I want to do what a typical tourist does.
JACK: Are you sure you're ready to huddle with the masses?
JENNIFER: Yes. I'm ready. That would make me very happy.
JACK: Okay, alright, if you want to be a typical tourist, I guess it's time to give you the right equipment.
HE REACHES UNDER THE PILLOW.
JACK: It's a little gift from me to you.
HE HANDS HER A VIDEO CAMERA WITH A BIG PINK GIFT BOW ON TOP. SHE REMOVES THE BOW AND PUTS IT ON HER HEAD.
JENNIFER: I can't believe this. A video camera. This is great. This is so great.
JACK: I thought you'd think so.
JENNIFER: We could tape our whole honeymoon. We could make a whole travelogue and we could just watch it over and over again. How does that sound?
JACK: Over....and over again?
JENNIFER: Yes, over and over again. Come on, let's get started. I want to see how it works.
JACK: But we....what about...
SHE BOUNDS OUT OF BED LEAVING HIM ALL ALONE.
SCENE FOUR: BACK IN SALEM, EVE HAS FOUND OUT THAT JACK HAS MANAGED TO KEEP HIS PAPER AND SHE THINKS THAT HE HAS SCAMMED SOME OF NICK'S MONEY. SHE GOES TO THE PENTHOUSE AND FINDS THE REMAINS OF THE HOLLYWOOD CAKE AND TRIES TO FIGURE OUT WHERE THEY HAVE GONE. SHE THEN FINDS A BROCHURE ON HOLLYWOOD AND CALIFORNIA AND DECIDES TO FOLLOW THEM.
SCENE FIVE: BACK IN HOLLYWOOD, JACK AND JENNIFER HAVE SET OUT ON THEIR SIGHTSEEING TRIP. JACK IS DRIVING THE RENTED MERCEDES WITH THE TOP DOWN. WHILE THEY DRIVE AROUND, THE RANDY NEWMAN SONG I LOVE LA IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. THEY FIRST DRIVE DOWN SUNSET BOULEVARD AND SEE THE ROWS OF PALM TREES. THEY SEE THE CORNER OF HOLLYWOOD AND VINE AND THEN HIT THE FREEWAY. THEY PLAY AROUND IN BALLS AT A GAME PARK.
THEN THEY VISIT BEVERLY HILLS AND THE STARS' HOMES WHICH JENNIFER POINTS OUT TO JACK. THEY SEE DODGER STADIUM AND THE BEACH.
THEY THEN DRIVE UP MULHOLLAND DRIVE TO THE "HOLLYWOOD" SIGN AND GET OUT OF THE CAR AND TAKE A WALK. THEIR NEXT DRIVE IS DOWN SUNSET AGAIN TO MANN'S CHINESE THEATER. THERE THEY GET OUT OF THE CAR AND WANDER ALONG THE STARS. THEY COME ACROSS "MACDONALD CAREY"
AND STOP TO THINK FOR A SECOND AND THEN DISMISS IT. THE LAST SCENE HAS THEM BACK UP NEAR THE HOLLYWOOD SIGN AND AS THE SONG ENDS THEY FACE THE CAMERA AND MOUTH "WE LOVE IT" STRAIGHT TO US.
SCENE SIX: LATER THEY RETURN TO TO THEIR ROOM, JENNIFER IS TRYING TO TAPE JACK WHO IS CARRYING ALL HER TOURIST SHOPPING. SHE IS BACKING UP IN FRONT OF HIM.
JENNIFER: Alright, here we go. Come on. Oh good, good Jack, they're still moving.
JACK IS CARRYING A HEAP OF PARCELS AND ON TOP ARE TWO BATTERY OPERATED CACTI WITH FACES, THE KIND THAT DANCE WHEN THEY HEAR SOUNDS.
JENNIFER: Here we go.
JACK: The door, the door.
JENNIFER: Okay. Good, come on.
JACK: The door!
JENNIFER: Just hold on.
JACK: You hold on. Get the door!
JENNIFER REACHES BACKWARDS AND OPENS THE DOOR.
JENNIFER: Come on.
JACK: They're attacking each other.
JENNIFER: You look good, you look good Jack.
HE STRUGGLES IN WITH THE PARCELS.
JENNIFER: Okay, keep going. Good.
JACK FALLS ON THE BED WITH ALL THE SHOPPING.
JENNIFER: Don't you have something to say? Come on, the mike's on.
JACK: Yeah I got something to say alright.
JENNIFER: Go on.
HE PASSES HIS HAND ACROSS HIS THROAT IN A "CUT" SIGN.
JENNIFER: Good, perfect. Okay.
SHE TURNS THE CAMERA OFF AT LAST.
JENNIFER: That's a rap Jack. (Beat) Long day, huh?
JACK: You give the term, shop till you drop, new meaning.
JENNIFER: I think I got really carried away.
JACK: I'll just say this. I think the Merchant's Association of Hollywood is going to sleep better tonight knowing that you are in town.
JENNIFER: Jack I can't take all the credit. I mean if I didn't have your help I wouldn't have been able to get all this stuff.
JACK: Well, I don't know if I really want to claim helping you for getting things like little stuffed cacti and little floating flowers. I mean they're really not such a big deal, you know.
JENNIFER: I know....but you are.
SHE BENDS OVER AND KISSES HIM.
JENNIFER: I love you Jack. I love you for the way that you love me.
HE PULLS HER ONTO HIS LAP AND KISSES HER CHEEK AND THEN HER LIPS.THEY SLOWLY ROLL BACKWARDS ONTO THE BED WHILE THE CACTUS KEEPS JIGGLING.
SCENE SEVEN: SOME TIME LATER THEY ARE IN BED IN EACH OTHER'S ARMS AND ONCE AGAIN HE IS WEARING HIS ROBE AND SHE IS WEARING HIS PAJAMAS. THE CACTI ARE LINED UP AT THE END OF THE BED.
JACK: A hundred dollars for your thoughts.
JACK: That's a big exorbitant don't you think?
JENNIFER: Maybe I'm still in Rodeo Drive mode.JACK: I was just thinking about Eve.
JACK: I don't know, I was just thinking I'm glad she was far away and not here with us.
JENNIFER: Well I can't argue with you with that. I mean Eve does have a way of making things unpleasant for people, especially you.
JACK: Well at least we don't have to worry about that. She got what she deserves.
JENNIFER: And what's that?
JACK: Oh nothing. Not one red cent.
JENNIFER: Come on Jack, let's forget about Eve. She's far away from us, okay and we are here together and she can't touch us now.
JENNIFER ROLLS BACK INTO JACK'S ARMS AND THEY DOZE.
SCENE EIGHT: MEANWHILE, EVE HAS DECIDED TO GO TO HOLLYWOOD AND FIND JACK TO TELL HIM WHAT SHE THINKS OF HIM AND MAKE HIS LIFE HELL.